PUBLIC EMPLOYEES FOR PERSONAL ENRICHMENT
COALITION FOR BIG DONATIONS
HUMBOLT COUNTY HIGH COUNCIL
NEWS RELEASE: For Immediate Release: Friday, February 15, 2002
Contact:
Karen S***bag, Public Employees for Personal Enrichment
Daniel A. Smallpeter, Coalition for Big Donations
Fire Updabong, Humbolt County High Council
FOREST MANAGERS SUED: Feds Ignoring Campfire Laws; results in damage to soils and wildlife, and cash crop.
SACRAMENTO A trio of psuedo-environmentalist organizations filed a lawsuit Friday charging that National Forest officials have failed to manage the backpacking community resulting in uncontrolled and widespread damage to soils, wildlife, and vegetation due to forest fires caused by campfires.
Eldorado County-based Public Employees for Personal Enrichment (PePe) and co-plaintiffs Coalition for Big Donations (CBD) and The Humbolt County High Council (THC-High) charge in a lawsuit filed on Friday that the Forest Service Plan failed to analyze the effects of hiking and backpacking on the forest. It also charges the Forest with violations of the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA) and the National Forest Management Act (NFMA).
According to Karen S***bag, President of the Public Employees for Personal Enrichment (PePe), lack of the analysis renders the Forest Service unable to restrict backpacking in the Forest. “The backpacking community has failed to regulate itself resulting in several wildfires that are the direct result of unattended campfires. The wonton destruction and callus disregard for Bambi and Thumper makes me cry! We must prevent the American people from using public lands!”
Krying Suckas, Coalition for Big Donations stated “Last year wildfires charred over 6 million acres. We feel very strongly that each acre is worth about $1 so that’s what we’re requesting, in small unmarked bills.” “But it’s not just about money, it’s about feeling important. Seeing my name in the paper, hopefully with a neat photo of me, makes me feel like a big man,” continued the 5’1” Suckas.
Daniel R. Smallpeter, Herbologist with the Coalition for Big Donations said, “They can’t continue to dodge responsibility for limiting harm from wildfires. The big fire in Humbolt County charred hundreds of acres of beautiful vegetation worth millions on the street, and destroyed years of work installing the drip irrigation system, oh and some trees and animals too”. Fire Updabong, Humbolt County High Council (THC-High) agreed “I just cried when I saw all those plants going up in smoke before their time!”
Karen S***bag claimed “This isn’t extortion. We use lawyers, and that’s the American Way to get what you want. Since the backpacking community refuses to police itself we feel that filing a lawsuit is the only way to make the government give us the millions in taxpayers money that we feel we are entitled to.”
A note with instructions on where to leave the suitcase with the $6,000,000 in cash was to be delivered later in the day.
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-Bill