Slappy
Moderator
posted 02-04-2001 01:58 PM
WHERE THE MILKVETCH GROWS
Slappy and Mother Glamis went on a date a little while back and had an absolute wonderful time. She did,
however, remind Slappy, via a white knuckle, hair raisin, **** releasin kind of way, that Mother should never
be taken lightly no matter how confident you feel riding on her. Wet sand mean the McSlappmachine reach
razorback much faster than normal. Remember the phrase, "Wide eyed and busy tailed"? Well, Slappy live that
for a brief moment. Mother Glamis pack a vicious bite when she want to. Good thing Slappy take extra pair of
undies on this trip. Anyway, Slappy came home sad, and Slappy tell you why.
Slappy get up early Sunday morning before the sun rise and head out to his secret spot by da closure where
the Milkvetch grows. Slappy pop a seat where he can view Mother G in all her glory, the church of the
shifting sands. There be no stars out due to the cloud cover, Slappy only hear heavy thuds of rain drops
slappin the sand around him, Mothers way of saying hello to Slappy. Slappy notice on occasion dat the sky
would open up far off in the horizon, allowing morning rays of pre-dawn light to shine through the clouds,
painting a picture on da dunes that Slappy found absolutely mezmerizing. Accompanied by a windy song,
Slappy sit in awe at what being displayed before his eyes, it was beautimus. Slappy was witnessing natures
own slide show, provide you could see it if you held the right ticket. Slappy held the right ticket on this day.
Seein sights like this is why Slappy do what Slappy do.
Off in the distance, Slappy see Mrs. Fringe Toed Lizard come running close to where Slappy sittin'. She not
see Slappy, he be one with the wild. All of a sudden, Mrs. Fringe turn around and start doing what look like
pushups to Slappy. Slappy give a quiet hello and ask what the hell she doing pushups in da rain for? She tell
Slappy to cut the wizecracks, and dat she is warning her babies across the flat to stay put, cuz Mr. Coyote
be on da prowl. She then tell Slappy dat she see Slappy first. Now Slappy had to remind Mrs. Fringe that
nobody hide like Slappy hide. Slappy proceed to tell Mrs. Fringe that she is not allowed to be on the south
side of the signs, that be the closed area. Slappy explain that the CBD force the BLM to close Mother G to
save Mr. Milkvetch; blame Slappykind(human kind)for killing things like Mrs. Fringe and Mr. Milkvetch using
their evil rubber tires. She laugh at Slappy and say, "Slappy, Mr. Milkvetch is an old fart that will be around
for ever and ever, long after your gone. Not only is he popping up all over my yard, he is smelling up my den
with his bad hygiene. Remember Slappy, Mr. Milkvetch is a weed, and no matter how much you throw at him,
he will survive. As a matter of fact Slappy, I think he kind of likes you coming around, at least that's what he
told me." Slappy laugh with Mrs. Fringe, she have pretty good sense of humor when you get to know her.
Slappy took some pictures and thanked Mrs. Fringe for the wonderful company, and dat he be back soon to
see her. All of a sudden, Mr. Horned Owl swooped quietly out of da sky, snatch a baby fringe in his claws,
and head straight for the closure. Oh my! Slappy yell at Mr. Owl to bring back baby fringe, but he not listen,
just soared away and vanished. Slappy was trippin' on what just happened, but the Slapster was in for
another suprise. Out of nowhere, Mr. Coyote came running, snatching both Mrs. Fringe and her last baby in
his jaws. Mrs. Fringe yell for Slappy to help, but he can do nothing but watch as Mr. Coyote chew and
swallow, twitching his head at da same time. Slappy never see anything like this before except on
Slappivision(TV). It was real creepy. It all seemed like a dream to slappy; the dark sky, the filtering rain, the
whispering wind. Slappy was expecting to see the Angel of Death flyin high over head on his dark horse,
wielding a black sword. Slappy get more chills than Quaker got oats. Slappy think he should have listened to
the winds cold warning.
Slappy see da Fringe family die in a matter of seconds. Slappy follow tracks of Mr. Coyote, and notice he ran
over over a small Milkvetch. This make Slappy wonder; will the CBD put out an all points bulletin on Mr.
Coyote? Will the Sierra Club now implement a no fly zone on Mr. Owl? Or, how about close the dunes from all
animals for the sake of the Peirsons? Slappy think that only fair, since Slappy had deep feelings for Mrs.
Fringe and her family. She was Slappy's personal friend. Don't the CBD and Sierra Club feel anything for what
just happened? Seems they implement laws on feelings for wildlife, apparently they have no feelings for
wildlife like Slappy do. It just don't seem fair to single out Slappykind. Slappy see more damage done to
Mother Glamis in thirty seconds than Slappy ever do in his whole life. Well, slappy think the Sierra Club and
CBD wanna blame somebody for something dat nature takes care of herself. Mrs. Fringe and her babies
mighyt still be alive had Slappy been able to ride in the closed area. She probably have a much better chance
of living with Slappykind and their rubber tires than she do against Mr. Coyote and his wheels of teeth.
Mr. Owl and Mr. Coyote were not to be seen the rest of the day, but they knew Slappy was not happy with
them. Slappy lost a good friend today, and Mother Glamis smiled on....

Author
Topic: A Dunin' Red Tail--Slappy's friend
Slappy
Moderator
posted 02-04-2001 07:54 PM

Slappy sittin hi up on a dune in the early morning real close to the closure area, scoping Mother Glamis's
landscape for Slappy's favorite flower, the 'Yellow Dune Sunflower'. All of a sudden, Mr. Red-tail Hawk fly
right over Slappy's head and give a screamin' 'HELLO SLAPPY! Mr. Red was floatin' fast towards a set of bowls
just 100 yards away that lay before Slappy. Slappy had a fabulous view, dat's because Slappy just get done
rippin' a line through them bowls. Mr. Red was a mere 2 feet off da ground following the razor line that
connected the bowls, and the very same path that Slappy just take. It was a sight to see. Mr. Red flawlessly
soared through the bowls, his shadow mocking his every move. He made at least two p***es, and never rose
above 2 feet from the sand. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MR RED WAS DOING SOME SERIOUS DUNIN RIGHT IN FRONT
OF SLAPPY! Slappy even sang Billy Joels 'We didn't start the fire' song for Mr. Red as he was feelin da groove.
He then gracefully soared into the closed area, screamin at Slappy, "Someday Slappy you will join me again
over here, cuz this is where the real dunin' is. And when that time comes, we shall rendezvous at the plane
crash site". Slappy got a tear in his eye when Mr. Red say that, cuz Slappy know we may never see the
plane crash site ever again. Slappy heard Mr. Red off in the distance yell, "Nobody dune like Mr. Red Dune".
Slappy laugh and yell a happy thank you. And you know, Mr. Red never flapped his wings once.

Someday we will all join Mr. Red Tail Hawk on the other side of the fence, cuz that IS where the real dunin
be, SLAPPY PROMISE!


Slappy and Enviro at Gas Station

Don't know about you, but Slappy have loooonnnnnnng week. To top it off, Slappy get in discussion with enviro person. Well, word 'discussion' a little too mild for way Slappy feel right now. Slappy feel good, just hope message get across.

Slappy at gas station filling truck, with bike in back, slap tappin' to Robert Preston singing'Trouble' from the Slapsters Music Man tape. Slappy notice elderly lady walks behind Slappy's truck goin to her car. She make remark to Slapp, "Oh, your one of those." Slappy not have good day, so of course, Slappy have to respond in a kind of ****py Slappy way, "What be one of 'those' be you say to Slappy? She says, "You off-roaders are all alike, destroying nature with your loud music and motorbikes." Hell, Slappy only playing Music Man, what crawledupdischicksass? Slappy ask what he has done? She say, "The vegetation and forests are being destroyed by radicals like you who have no feeling for nature. You people are heartless and selfish." Slappy heart rate go up, along with his temperature.

Slappy take opportunity and grab squeegee from bucket and start cleaning ladies windows; Slapster have somethin to say. Slappy ask her to look around; what do she see? Slappy answer for her, "You see nothing but beautiful vegetation growing and thriving in cohabitation with Slappy's kind, and THOSE be human kind." Slappy then takes out of his wallet a small picture of San Diego, dated way before even the great Grand Slapp Pappy. Slappy hand her picture and get back to cleaning her windows. Slapp continue, "Mam, that picture shows barren rolling hills with nothing growing from the ground except a faint hue of heat waves." San Diego be Slapps barrio by the way. Anyway, Slappy continue, "San Diego was nothing but a desert, totally unslappylike!" Slappy then asks enviro lady to look at golf course across valley from where we standin'. Slapp then continue, "Look at that slaplike golf course surrounded and blanketed with HUGE oak and eucalyptus trees, not to mention the numerous variations of shrubs, flowers, grass, and man-made lakes. ALL planted by human kind, the SLAPPY KIND. We is planting vegetation at an alarming rate, faster than what is being taken, by a longshot. Slappy kind is creating entire eco-systems that would have never existed unless slappy-kind be involved. AND, did you know that there are more forests today than there ever has been in the history of da world?" Slappy not stop now, he on a roll, "And mam, take a look at any new housing development; new plants, some of them new species created by slappy-kind, distributed and planted by the thousands every single day. So mam, don't try to make Slappy feel bad about being Slappy. Slappy is proud to be slappy-kind."

Slappy finish windows, then thought, why Slappy cleaning windows, it raining out, dat pretty stupid of Slappy. That's o.k. Slappy needed to vent anyway, and hopefully enviro-person appreciates what Slappy do for her. Slappy take back picture, replace his gas hose, and drive away.

Don't ever try to make Slappy feel wrong for being SLAPPY KIND, it da only kind to be! SLAPPY GONE!!!!!


Author
Topic: Floating in a fishbowl--why Slappy do only Mother Glamis
Slappy
Moderator
posted 02-11-2001 10:14 AM

Slappy have a friend named Ed who love goin deep sea fishin. Ole Ed be tryin to get da Slapster to go with
him. Slappy don't do ocean, even though Slappy born and bred in Diego. Well, Slappy tell Ed that he'll go
fishin if Ed go Dunin with Slappy. Ed agreed. Well, Slappy got a story for you:

Early one summer morning Ed called Slappy and invited him for a single day of shark fishin'. It sounded like a
great new experience for Slappy, so Slappy agreed. We was gonna go catch some Maco sharks. Slappy
slipped into his shorts, made a couple sandwiches, put on da flip-flops, bought some gatorade, and off Slappy
went.

Ed and Slappy show up at da docks around 5:30 a.m. pullin Ed's 18 ft, center console Boston Whaler. We
loaded up and headed out. Da sky was overcast, illuminating a somber, eerie dreamscape. It kinda felt like
Slappy was still asleep. Within ten minutes Ed stopped da boat to catch some bait fish just past Point Loma.
Slappy assumed dat this would be da spot we would fish for sharks. Oh how Slappy be wrong. After catching
ten sea bass, Ed turned da boat west and hit da gas. Slappy was hangin on with white knuckles as a 200
Black Mercury engine sang a rhythmic hum. It kinda sounded like da McSlappmachine, just not as nice. One
hour later, Ed stopped da boat. Slappy was 25 miles out in da middle of da ocean, WITH NO LAND IN SIGHT!
Ed started chummin da bait fish, and attached large chunks of meat to barbed fishhooks that were nearly
four inches long. Ed casted da poles and sat down. Ed told Slappy that all we do now is wait.

Well, Ed forgot to tell Slappy about some stuff called DRAMAMINE! Dat was not cool. Seasickness attacked
Slappy viciously due to the large swells that Mother Ocean provided. Slappy don't like Mother Ocean, Slappy
was missin Mother Glamis soooooooo bad. Mother Glamis keep her bowls stationary. Anyway, Slappy started
doing da 'HURLORAMA MARATHON'. Dat mean Slapster was throwin up, ALOT, every ten minutes. Ed told
Slappy to just keep drinkin, cuz it not fun to be dry heaving all day.

Nearly an hour had gone by, Slappy lookin' pale green, when one of da fishing spools began losing line real
fast. Ed grabbed da pole, clicked da spool, and da fight was on. Fifteen minutes later, a six foot blue shark
was floatin next to da boat. And let Slappy tell you dis, dat 18 foot Boston Whaler is one tiny boat when
there be no land in sight. Ed cut da line and released da shark.

The sun finally come out, but Slappy still be McPukedoggyjackson. Five minutes later, another shark, and
then another. Before Slappy knew it, there be at least twenty sharks surrounding da boat. SLAPPY BE
TOTALLY TRIPPIN AT DIS POINT. What da hell is Slappy doin here??? Slappy tried to imagine what would
happen if he fell into da water? Slappy put it dis way: imagine you be a piece of fish food floating on the top
of your fish tank, dat be where Slappy's imagination take him. SLAPPY DID NOT DIG DAT! So, was Slappy to
trust his life to a thin piece of four-inch figerglass molded into what we call a boat? Slappy don't think so. To
make matters worse, Slappy had to do the number 2. Without getting into details, that be the most terrifying
two minutes of Slappy's life. It was like saying, "Here be Slappy's sphincter, take a bite." After nine hours of
pure fear, we headed back to land. What a humbling experience Slappy just have.

Shark fishin made Slappy realize dat MOTHER GLAMIS IS DA MOST WONDERFUL PLACE ON EARTH! There be
no better hobby in da whole world than doin da dunes, and Slappy will debate about dat one to anybody, and
they will lose.
The realization dat Mother Ocean could have swallowed Slappy at any moment was an experience Slappy
don't ever wanna feel again. Call Slappy what you will, but Slappy like his fun on da ground. Ed has called
Slappy a number of times since that trip to join him again, but as Slappy's Beta fish gracefully swims and
attacks his floating food, Slappy politely tell Ed that he be busy, but maybe next time.
And you know what, Ed still hasn't gone dunin with Slappy! I guess it's a sand thing, he wouldn't
understand.......

A great look-back at your stories Slappy! Keep it up. I would be proud to share a dune with you any day!
Doug

Slappy, I'm with KG on that one. Great stories good buddy. Hope to romp a dune with you soon. I'll be looking for you over the 1st weekend of march. this weekend actually. I'm leaving Texas tomorrow the 27th and heading straight to your favorite hangout. I'll keep a cold one available for you. Peace