Post your funny joke here and brighten someones day

[ 11-12-2002, 07:27 AM: Message edited by: Esco ]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because, as a woman, she was used
to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, ALL THE MEN STARTED CLAPPING THIER HANDS...

A man walks into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he
wants. "I want bury my face in your cleavage and lick
the perspiration from your breasts'" he says.

"You filthy wotsit - get out before I fetch my husband!"
shouts the barmaid.

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts, and again asks him what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt on your
bum and lick it off," he says. "You dirty old man - get out!"
she storms. Again, the man apologises and swears never
to do it again.

"Now - what do you want?" He replies: "I want to turn you
upside down, fill your secret place with Guinness, and drink
every last drop."

The barmaid is furious, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband,
who's watching TV. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put
his head between my breasts and lick the perspiration off," she
says. "I'll kill him!" storms the husband. "And he wants to pour
yogurt onto my bum and lick it off," she screams. "He's dead!"
howls the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. "Then he said
he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my secret place with
Guinness and then drink it all," she cries. The husband puts
down his bat and slumps into his armchair. "Aren't you going
to protect my honor?" she cries, hysterically. "Look - I'm not
messing with someone who can drink two gallons of Guinness,"
he replies.

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at
his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

<---

A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery.

she asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background.

She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was... He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer's last words, and found that they were, "Holy s***! Look at all the EFFIN Indians!"

Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: You and your wife agree, no more kids. Bad: She can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter has borrowed them.

Good: You give the "birds & bees" talk to your kids Bad: They keep interrupting. Ugly: With corrections and additional info.

Good: Your daughter has a new job. Bad: She's a hooker. Ugly: Your neighbors and co-workers are her best clients. Uglier: She makes more money than you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Four Sons...

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest . When he walks into a room, everyone calls him FATHER."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR GRACE."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR EMINENCE."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The other ladies give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the girls say, OH, MY GOD!!!"

A beer before it starts...


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh s***, it's started."

The Delicacy


A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served ??" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste !! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins".

A dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I
call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would
like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked
like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to
have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was
over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone
would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at
the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then
on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When
we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me
and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me
awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said
that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A
cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles
with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went
for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to
be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but
now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And
the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a
man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

What is the only food that eliminates a womans sexual drive?




























































































































Wedding cake.
P.S. Esco, don't serve it at your wedding
Peace

These are a few bizzare incidents reported by newpapers around the world...

-----------------

A jilted husband tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the tiger enclosure at a zoo in centeal China. The depressed man hoped to be eaten alive after climbing into the tiger enclosure in Wuhan Dongtxihu Shengshan Happy World, the South China Morning Post reported yesterday. Zookeepers distracted the tigers by throwing them chicken and then hauling the man to safety. appearently the man became suicidal after his wife dumped him.

-----------------

In Pullman, Washington, they have figured out what started a car fire. It was the plastic prism hanging from the car's rear-view mirror. A little plastic prism magnified the rays of the sun, set fire to some papers on the seat, which triggered the fire that consumed the car. Here's the perfect irony: the plastic prism was a gift... given to the driver by his insurance company.


In England, an artist who was sacked by a cookie company took revenge by adding sex scenes to the pictures on their famous cans of cookies. Tens of thousands of cans of Ginger Nuts from Huntley & Palmer were sold before someone spotted in the picture a couple making love in the bushes, two dogs locked together and a jam jar with a 4-letter word on it.

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It's that time of year again (Apr. 19), when the eyes of the world will focus on Boston -- on the sweat, the tears, the glory. The Marathon. But there is one aspect of the race that officials don't want the world to see this year: the unpleasant practice of runners relieving themselves on front lawns, backyards, garages, and trees along the route. Race officials this year are mounting a massive effort, positioning 471 portable toilets near the starting line in the Boston suburb of Hopkinton, placing dozens of "good will ambassadors" to direct runners to toilets, and creating a hotline that residents can call to report runners and others answering the call of nature where they shouldn't. A sanitation team will be standing by, just in case, to clean up the mess.... (Caution) Race officials from the Boston Athletic Association met last year with the Hopkinton Marathon Committee -- formed more than 20 years ago to address the fouling of property during the event -- after an unprecedented flood of complaints about runners not only urinating, but defecating, applying Vaseline to private parts, and changing tampons within public view. The instances have been more common in Hopkinton than anywhere else along the route, race officials and runners said, because all 20,000-plus runners converge on the town at the same time, and a good portion of them need to prepare themselves and use the restroom before the race starts.

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A man has bitten a dog to death in eastern China after it attacked him as he walked home with friends after a night out, a news report said. The man who was drunk, pounced on the dog when it nipped him on the genitals in Shanghai. He reportedly bit it until died, according to the South China Morning Post. The man is expected to face charges.

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Doctors say a rural Mexican woman used her farming skills to perform a C-section on herself, and delivered a healthy baby boy. The effort is described as "heroic." The authors of a medical journal report say there are cases of women performing Caesareans on themselves, but none where mother and child both survived. The woman lived in a dirt floor house with no electricity or running water and was alone when she went into labor with her ninth child. There were complications and the woman's experience slaughtering animals helped her perform the crude C-section. Having lost a baby during childbirth, she was determined to save this one. A local nurse later closed the insision with an ordinary needle and thread. She was later taken to a hospital. The report on the 2002 incident appears in the International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics.


-----------------

In Pollock Pines, California, a twelve-year-old girl bought a rubber basketball for her dog at a yard sale. When they got home, her father noticed two things: the dog was drooling all over his new play toy, and there was writing on the ball. He picked up the ball to see what was written on it and saw the words, "Best wishes, Lew Alcindor, '68 NCAA champs." The girl had no idea what that meant, but the father did -- he knew that Lew Alcindor had helped UCLA win back-to-back-to-back NCAA titles in 1967, '68, and '69, before moving to the NBA and changing his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. So the father went online to check the value of Lew Alcindor autographs and found they were extremely rare. He then had the signature authenticated and plans on turning his daughter's $1 yard sale investment into several thousand dollars on eBay.

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One handed golfer Bill Hilsheimer is defying the odds. In the past six months, he's sunk three holes in one. The latest ace came last week, on the 157-yard par three 13th hole at the Bird Bay Executive Golf Course in Venice, Florida. Robby Robertson, the owner-manager of Bird Bay, can't believe it. According to the Natinoal Golf Foundation, the odds of an amateur hitting a single hole in one are more than 12 thousand to one. The 68 year old Hilsheimer lost most of his hand as a kid, when he was run over by a train. He swings only with his left arm.

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A 25-year-old Connecticut woman has been arrested after an investigation into a February fight that ended with another woman's finger being flushed down a toilet. Takoe Dawkins was charged with first-degree assault. She is accused of biting off the right ring finger of the 23-year-old victim, whose name has not been released. The victim was visiting a friend when Dawkins arrived at the same home in the company of the victim's boyfriend. The two woman began fighting and Dawkins grabbed the victims finger and bit it off. The boyfriend and others then stepped in and broke up the fight. Someone picked up the finger and disposed of it in the toilet.

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Michele Kwan finished third in the World Figure Skating Championship after a man snuck past security and stripped on the ice as she was about to perform. The man was wearing skates, tights and a tutu and had a web address painted to his chest. Michelle claimed the chilly streaker didn't bother her, but we're not so sure. The jumps she made during her performance didn't have their usual height and seemed to suffer from shrinkage.

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In Germany, an artist is looking for a zoo that would feed his body to piranhas once he's dead. Karl Friedrich Lentze says he came up with idea after reading about a Dutch man who wanted to be fed to snails. Lentze justified his request by saying it could have educational purposes if it was done in front of a group of biology students.

A burly man finally pulled over for sheriff's deputies in Oakland County, Michigan, after a high speed chase, but he wasn't ready to surrender. When he got out of his car, he used his dog to attack the officers. Pit Bull? German Shephard? Doberman? No, a French poodle. The man swung the tiny poodle around on it's leash, deputies say. The dog was not injured, and the unnamed man was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation.

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A daring theif who stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pant learned that crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave him a vasectomy. Police say that the 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Britol, England, supermarket when he removed the lobsters from thier tank and shoved them in his trousers. The man sprinted past stunned check-out girls when he felt the lobsters clutching on his manhood. The thorny creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the theif will fully recover , but he will never be a daddy. "Basically, it was a do-it-yourself vasectomy," said the doctor."The patient's sexual ablilities will be restored in time but he will not be able to father children." The theif's painful prank landed him in the hospital, where he is expected to remanin for three or four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager, he will not be charged with any crime. "The guy's gone through enough pain," said the store manager. "I think he has learned his lesson. I doubt if he'll ever steal again."

-----------------

A British woman claims to be the owner of the world's oldest cat. Jean Stone says she found her cat Whiskey in a dustbin in East London on March 17, 1971, which makes him 33 years or 231 in cat years. The Guinnes World Records people say the current oldest living cat is a 27 year old Burmese.

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Whan a cow left a barn south of Idaho Falls, Idaho, nobody expected a chase, a wounded animal control officer or an attack on a police vehicle. The owner of the he 1000 pound Angus spent about four hours trying apprehend the animal. A police sergeant tried to herd the cow by driving beside it. The cow rammed into his Ford Explorer, denting a front panel, and then disappeared. Later an offical lassoed the cow but couldn't hold on to the rope. Finally the owers stopped the cow by parking there car on the loose end of the rope.

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An 83-year-old Canadian woman has been rescued after spending two days wedged behind her toilet. The Winnipeg Sun says a caretaker raised the alarm after noticing a pile of papers outside her apartment in the city. The slightly-built woman told paramedics she wasn't sure how she'd managed to get stuck. Winnipeg Fire Platoon Chief, Bob Wright, told the newspaper: "Her whole body somehow became jammed behind her toilet. It was one of those strange occurrences and you wouldn't have believed it even if you had a camera and had taken a picture." Firefighters turned off the water, removed bolts from the toilet's base and smashed the porcelain to free the pensioner. The woman had sore ribs, but didn't appear to have any broken bones. She's expected to make a full recovery.

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A frusatrated Afghan soldier who could not afford to get married has been released without charge after being caught having sex with a donkey. The soldier, who was not identied, was detained for several days last week after a young boy spotted him with the animal in an abandoned house in the Town of Gardez. A police officer told reporters, "The man insisted he had no other choice but the donkey becasue he could not afford to pay a dowry to get married." The man has since been released without charge. In many parts of Afghanistan men must pay at least $3000 to the parents of their propective bride, making marrige difficult for many in a country where the average annual income is only a few hundred dollars.

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A woman in the mountian town, Narrows, Virginia was attacked and bitten by a bobcat in her basement yesterday afternoon. According to a dispatcher with the Giles County Sheriff's Office, the woman kept a basement window open so her pet cats could come and go. The bobcat apperently climbed through the window. The woman who's name was not released by police, went to her basement to get something out of the freezer about 3 pm and saw the bobcat. When she turned to run, the bobcat jumped on her. The woman suffered two bites and several scratches before she got away. Her injuries were not serious. Once the game warden and the Giles County deputies arrived the full grown animal, was killed and turned over to the health department to be tested for rabies. The dispatcher who has worked with the sheriff's office for more than ten years said she doesn't recall ever getting a call about a bobcat inside someone's home.

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A man who was laid off last week from his job at a tractor factory claimed a $89 million Powerball prize Monday with the sole winning ticker. Tom Rivers said he and his wife, Pam, plan to buy a new house and move out of their mobile home in the town of Salem, Indiana. The Couple who are both 24 and have two young children, opted for the cash option and will receive $49.9 million before taxes.

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A satellite dish installer in Muskegon, Michigan, is in trouble for stealing panites. Aurthorities accuse Nicholas Hinkley of taking new and used souvenirs from his female customers. He's charged with larceny, a felony that carries up to a four year sentence. Investigators say a duffel bag found in Hinkey's home contained 78 pairs of underware, sex toys and home videos. Hinkley has pleaded innocent and is free on five thousand dollars bond.

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An Australian man admits he was 'stupid' after shooting himself in the head with a nail gun.

33-year-old Brad Shorten was having a few beers with his friends (alcohol? no kiddin'....) when they started joking around about industrial accidents. Naturally, Brad picked up what he thought was an empty nail gun, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger. Surprise! Turns out there WAS a nail in there after all, and it promptly lodged itself into Brad's temple, piercing a portion of his brain.

It took neurosurgeons four hours to remove the 1 1/4" nail from his temple, but doctors expect him to make a full recovery. Of course, Brad could have handled the entire operation himself. Before being wheeled into surgery, he told doctors that he would gladly take it out with a 'pair of pliers.'

He later told an Australian newspaper that, "I did a very stupid thing."

No kidding.
You really hit the nail on the head...
Ho!
But seriously, folks....

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A drunk man broke into several hangars at a Houston airport before flying off in one of the planes--despite the fact that he had no prior flight experience. Police say 21-year-old Louis Paul Kadleek flew the two-seat Cessna for about a mile before crashing into 100,000-volt power lines. Several people witnessed the crash, including one person who was convinced the pilot was dead, so they drove off to a golf game before authorities arrived.

As for Louis--he's fine. In fact, he escaped ANY injury, and walked three miles back to his house, where police finally caught up with him. He could get 20 years for grand theft.

When authorities asked him where he was planning to take the plane, Louis reportedly told them, "I don't know. Mexico, maybe."

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Food fight!

An upscale Florida retirement home looked more like “Animal House” the other day. A salad bar dispute turned into a senior citizens’ brawl at the Spring Haven Retirement Community. Police say 62-year-old resident Lee Thoss was picking through the lettuce. The disgusted 86-year-old William Hocker, who was in line behind Thoss. There was some name-calling, shoving and punches thrown. Police say other residents got involved in the buffet melee and one man was even bitten. Authorities won’t be pressing any criminal charges in the old folk’s food fight. But home managers have asked Thoss to move out.

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69-Year-Old-Man Has Toothbrush Lodged in Rectum

A toothbrush was used to relieve a different "cavity" when a pensioner decided to use the dental instrument to scratch his hemorrhoids. The 69-year-old man ordered into the hospital after the toothbrush became lodged in his rectum. An X-ray revealed it was deep inside near his pelvis. Although this was first recorded case of a toothbrush having to be removed from the rectum, the British Dental Journal reports doctors have recovered toothbrush holders, toothbrush packages and toothpicks in the past.

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Moviegoers at Stadium 16 Theater in Evansville, Indiana, attending a showing of Passion of the Christ got more than they bargained for Saturday night. They were greeted in the lobby of the theater by a man wearing a red devil costume. Tyler Wendell, a freshman at the University of Southern Indiana, caused quite a ruckus with his get-up. The audience, many who were part of church groups, was visibly upset by the antics of Wendell. Many patrons jeered Wendell as he stood in line for concessions. He said he wore the costume because he likes to "push the limits." Once inside the movie, Christians began pelting Wendell with Gummy Bears, Ju-Ju Bees, and popcorn. Management got involved after a 75-year-old woman poured a 64-ounce Coca-Cola on Wendell.

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Hey...at least he washed it down with a Diet Coke...

An unidentified 62-year-old Frenchman visited the emergency room recently, complaining of gastric pains. Doctors soon found the reason why: he had swallowed around 350 coins (more than $650 worth), along with several necklaces and needles. The resulting mass weighed over 12 pounds, forcing his stomach to actually drop down between his hips. Although doctors were able to remove the mass, the man still died 12 days later from complications.

Hospital officials say the man suffered from a rare mental condition called 'pica,' a compulsion to eat things not normally consumed as food. Not to be confused with 'yuca,' a compulsion to eat 7-11 hot dogs and burritos.

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OK. It's gonna take a LOT of Stoli to kill this kind of hurt--

A Russian man has been told he will have a bent penis for the rest of his life after getting it caught in a padlock. (Hey..that's what happens when you don't have cable TV..)

Firemen in Moscow spent an hour freeing the man after what they describe as a 'sex game gone wrong.' The unidentified 20-year-old man called emergency services, who tried using cold water and grease to free him, before finally cutting him free with a saw.

Doctors at Moscow's Hospital No. 50 say the man will still be fully functional, although he'll be 'bent to one side' for the rest of his life.

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Employees of a steak house in Frederick, Maryland, called police when they spotted a customer licking the tops of the salt shakers on the tables. They say, she was also snorting sugar and eating napkins. When sheriff's deputies arrived, they found Deann Leizear in the men's restroom. When she allegedly refused to leave and tried to hit, bite and kick the officers, they squirted her with pepper spray. She was arrested and charged.

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Woman marries dead boyfriend

A 35-year-old Frenchwoman became both bride and widow when she married her dear boyfriend, in an exchange of vows that required authorization from the French president. The ceremony was performed at Nice City Hall on the French Rivera. The deceased groom, died in September 2002. The bride told LCI television she was fully aware that "it could seem shocking to marry someone who is dead", but said that her fiance's absence from her life had not dimmed her feelings for him.

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In Nepal, with his son and other relatives by his side, a 75-year-old-man married a dog. It's custom in that community for older men to marry a dog to bring them good luck and avoid great misfortune later in life. Unfortuntely, three days later, the man died of natural causes.

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A Brazilian football refree is facing divorce proceedings after he pulled a pair of red panties out of his pocket instead of a red card during a match. The ref's wife was in the stands watching the game and didn't believe him when he claimed he had no idea how the red lace panties ended up in his pocket.

Sorry Guys...


It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14.. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..
15.. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he
realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the
heck," as he says to himself. I really need a
drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the
cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that.
All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve
you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine
for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just
Do It'.
That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his
Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells
him he'll give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and
sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the
name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella
proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on
his right, who happens to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do
you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,
"FORD, because Quality is Job One.
"Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine
CHEVY....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink.
Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think
for a moment before he comes up with a name for his
manhood. Finally, he
turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
penis is SECRET. Now
give me a damn beer."

The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour
it he turns to the cowboy with a puzzled look and
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A
MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be
asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they
will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she
gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for
you, young lady,I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be
VERY, VERY disappointed!

Yes it is... Samart A$$ Ha Ha everyone is a comedian


No HI-JACKING Socaldmax....

I have been that disappointed girl..................

Funny joke!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his
birthday.
They
> >>arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His
> >>wife
> >>is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
> >>
> >>"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
> >>
> >>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and
> >>brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable
> >>and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
> >>
> >>"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
> >>
> >>A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave,
> >>and
> >>says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
> >>
> >>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club.
Dave
> >>follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door,
> >>he
> >>jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
stripper
must
> >>have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of
it.
She
> >>is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name
in
the
> >>book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up
a
real
> >>b!tch tonight, Dave."

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching
two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad
said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?" The other pad
responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a
sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what
can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"

"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."

So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the
next day. that night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the
next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came
home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole
bottle into his coffee...

About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a
litlle boy.

"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.

"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside
going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around
at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman
"can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier
bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad
when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books)
the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not
driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second
gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does
a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to
accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to
leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.

The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In
the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are
beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!)
instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops
inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

Some people have all the luck in the world

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

New Element Discovered.. called ..Administratium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named “Administratium”.

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it CAN be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
“Critical Morass.”

You will know it when you see it.

Star Wars Redneck
You might be a Jedi Hick if....

If you ever heard the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all."
If your Jedi robe is camouflage.
If you have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
If at least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
If you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
If you have ever had a landspeeder up on blocks in your yard.
If the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
If Wookies are offended by your B.O.
If you have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for halftime.
If you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
If you have ever used the Jedi mind trick on a game warden.
If your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
If you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
If you ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
If you have the doors of your X-Wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
If although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
If you have a cousin or a girlfriend who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
If duct tape is holding your lightsaber together.
If you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
If you have wondered how much your taxidermist would charge you to do a Wampa from Hoth.
If you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels in the Mos Eisley cantina.
If you've ever heard ..."Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle..."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but
lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams
and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. They had a
wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks an exquisite breakfast with all the
trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Lesbianonics
>
> 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
> ...A licker cabinet.
>
> 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
> ...A Klondyke.
>
> 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
> ...Militia Etheridge.
>
> 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
> same time?
> ....Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay
> on their face.
>
> 5. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
> ...Fur Traders.
>
> 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
> ...A Lickalotapuss.
>
> 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
> ...Well Hung.
>
> 8. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
> ...Potpourri.
>
> 9. What did the lesbian vampire school teachers say to
> her partner?
> ...See you next period.
>
> 10. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
> ...She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
>
> 11. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
> ...Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
>
> 12. Do you know what drag is?
> ...It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
>
> 13. What do you call lesbian twins?
> ...Lick-a-likes.
>
> 14. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
> ...She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own
> tampons.
>
> 15. What's the definition of confusion?
> ...Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
>
> 16. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a
> lesbian?
> ....One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Incorrect Corrections from newspapers: When goofs pop off the page, editors scurry to print corrections.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord,"

In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William Bennett said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported, "It's a real S&M kind of thing."

It was incorrectly reported last Friday mat today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven."

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated the Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction - the following type appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sale of soybeans to foreign countries.

In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent - that is, torn - not rented.

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake

Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hilter's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hofnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hofnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.

In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee lacoocoo. His real name is Lee lacacca. The gazette regrets the error.

Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left our the word "sheep."

In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$180,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friggin bike!"

$180,000 mortgage Must be a Zonie...

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick


10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a p*ssy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he
came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that
at the bottom of the pond there was a little dork*tail sausage. The
cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep
he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and
ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again
and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage but
this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but
this time he had to put hiswhole arm into the pond. The cat hooked
the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an
enormous Cumberlandsausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so
delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole
of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!


THE MORAL OF THE STORY.......(you're gonna love this)



See below.............







The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the pU$$Y !!!!

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill
Clinton. He looked back and stared at the agent, looked at Hillary, looked
back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders.

Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants,
and dropped her right over the wall into the field. She's kicking and
swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild.

They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling,
when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out
the first PITCH!"

THE DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of
bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,"Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked
up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the
line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door.
He was planning to have a little fun with her...

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said,"No,no I
didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the

White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary

says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right question time. Who has a
question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him

out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
White House?
4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5th - What happened to Kenneth?"

A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night, and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn, and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"

"I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended up getting laid by this girl at the bar."

"Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the chalk on his hands. "You damn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went late-night bowling again, didn't you?!"

TRUE-ISMS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitt! ing clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? (good point)

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR! (true!)

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier." (amen!)

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is
getting dull. One night they're lying in bed when the girl
says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a poop on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump
on her chest. She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and
screw me." He lies on top of her, with the poop oozing
between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever
had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks
him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge
turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have
another incredible lay. As time goes on, Harry really gets
into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates,
because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the
sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he
eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of
Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down
his legs at the office. That night, he goes to her house,
they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the
bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but
nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then
pfff! -- a little fart -- but nothing of any substance.

For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly
he hears her crying. He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

thats pretty gross there frank

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the
milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the
point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with
milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes.

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with
her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not
have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and

mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression! that;

1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:


Dear sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full ! or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the clerk, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," she says......"horseradish

GOOD

A Terre Haute, IN, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)



BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Indianapolis, IN. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As an Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Indiana State Police Ball." He replied, "Indiana State Police don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got
back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON DC

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in
recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you
are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at
the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I
would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.

I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital,
you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jodie Foster?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush
President