A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Full Version: Good Times!
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Those are great.
Kid dynomite
Those were great read them before but they still make me laugh 
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
THOSE ARE GREAT ZIPPY THANKS 
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at court. But the custody of their children posed a problem The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too.After a long moment of
silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a
dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won.
The judge asked for his side of the story too.After a long moment of
silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a
dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won.
[attachmentid=73470]
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
19 Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm
[attachmentid=74421]
[attachmentid=74420]
[attachmentid=74420]
those were great-- thanks for the laugh -- i needed it
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
D o you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
D o you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
*martha's way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*maxine's way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
*martha's way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*maxine's way*
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*martha's way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*maxine's way*
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
*martha's way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*maxine's way*
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
*martha's way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*maxine's way*.
Celery? Never heard of it!
*martha's way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*maxine's way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
*martha's way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*maxine's way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
*martha's way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*maxine's way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
*martha's way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*maxine's way*
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO????
[attachmentid=74718]
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*maxine's way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
*martha's way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*maxine's way*
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*martha's way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*maxine's way*
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
*martha's way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*maxine's way*
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
*martha's way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*maxine's way*.
Celery? Never heard of it!
*martha's way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*maxine's way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
*martha's way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*maxine's way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
*martha's way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*maxine's way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
*martha's way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*maxine's way*
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO????
[attachmentid=74718]
Funny Stuff
TWO DUCK HUNTERS
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow,blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then """BOOOOOOOOOM""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with..."I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
Newspaper item from Wisconsin..
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow,blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then """BOOOOOOOOOM""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with..."I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
Newspaper item from Wisconsin..
Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick need to stop hanging out on the sidelines! 
[attachmentid=75059]
This was actually on TV...The commentators P-a-u-s-e-d and didn't say a Word...
[attachmentid=75059]
This was actually on TV...The commentators P-a-u-s-e-d and didn't say a Word...
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to Afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find Her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer
Was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and Therefore, they Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty Years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she Showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than Three decades she had "charged" him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouth Shut!
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to Afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find Her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer
Was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and Therefore, they Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty Years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she Showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than Three decades she had "charged" him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouth Shut!
QUOTE(Zippy @ Apr 5 2006, 06:40 AM)
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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Oh that's funny
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Englishman,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Englishman,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS .... Sure is freaking hot down here!!
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS .... Sure is freaking hot down here!!
Bullfrogs & BJs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give BJ!"
"BJs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bjs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your azz is gone."
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give BJ!"
"BJs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bjs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your azz is gone."
Zippy, you are TOPs..
I TRY JD...
For all of us who are married, were married, ever wished you were married, or wished you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said,"It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
For all of us who are married, were married, ever wished you were married, or wished you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said,"It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face , he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face , he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
Subject: Mayonnaise
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as:
Sinko de Mayo.
WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as:
Sinko de Mayo.
WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!
OK here's one I heard yesterday...
what's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
you cant hear a enzyme but you can hear a hormone...
what's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
you cant hear a enzyme but you can hear a hormone...
boooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 
you crack snacker 
you donut bumper!
did I just hear a whoremoan?????? 
Nope my bad... that was Zipp ....
Nope my bad... that was Zipp ....
Nice jokes, i was laughin so hard i spilled beer all over my key board, thanks
just trying to do my part...one keyboard at a time. 
QUOTE(Brown Eyed Girl @ Apr 25 2006, 12:26 PM)
did I just hear a whoremoan??????
Nope my bad... that was Zipp ....
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Nope my bad... that was Zipp ....
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i prefer HOOOOOOOCHIE MAMA.
URGENT BULLETIN!!!
BE ON THE LOOKOUT...
we recently rcvd credible intelligence there have been 7 terrorits working in your office. 6 of the 7 have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt Kissing have all been taken into custody.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
YOU are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin'!
BE ON THE LOOKOUT...
we recently rcvd credible intelligence there have been 7 terrorits working in your office. 6 of the 7 have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt Kissing have all been taken into custody.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
YOU are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin'!
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no. We bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive - never learned how."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting........"
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no. We bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive - never learned how."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting........"
Dear Internal Revenue Service.
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated March 3rd, wherein you will see that the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated March 3rd, wherein you will see that the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response !!
Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent
price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big
company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the
power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you. We hav e
enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and
keep those checks coming, loser!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Co.
[attachmentid=76462]
Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent
price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big
company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the
power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you. We hav e
enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and
keep those checks coming, loser!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Co.
[attachmentid=76462]
Happy Monday!
15 Reasons why is good to Serve Alcohol at your job.
1. Its an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you dont care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since theres no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. No need to buy coffee to sober up.
15 Reasons why is good to Serve Alcohol at your job.
1. Its an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you dont care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since theres no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. No need to buy coffee to sober up.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo!"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo!"
STOLEN FROM HV...
Beer Vs. p**** Contest
: 1. Beer is always wet. p**** needs a little work. - One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to p****
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to p****
5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pu$$ies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to p****
6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any p**** in public, you become a legend. - One point to p****
7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of p**** he may buy you a beer. - One point to p****
8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER
9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much p**** and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to p****
10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to p****
11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER
12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER
13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER
14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER
15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER
16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
p**** 7
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER
Beer Vs. p**** Contest
: 1. Beer is always wet. p**** needs a little work. - One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to p****
3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to p****
5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pu$$ies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to p****
6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any p**** in public, you become a legend. - One point to p****
7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of p**** he may buy you a beer. - One point to p****
8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER
9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much p**** and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to p****
10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to p****
11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER
12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER
13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER
14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER
15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER
16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
p**** 7
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER
Here's a good one
Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
I asked how come I had to give up my stuff (beer) and not her items, like the make-up.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
I asked how come I had to give up my stuff (beer) and not her items, like the make-up.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife finally asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighed the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
"Yes," sighed the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
The Golden Years
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a
tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Oh, I want to travel
around the world with my darling husband" said the
wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the
husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well,
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come
again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember
that fairies are female.
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a
tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Oh, I want to travel
around the world with my darling husband" said the
wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the
husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well,
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come
again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember
that fairies are female.
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