There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh, your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed being intimate, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
Full Version: Joke archive
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking." :grenade:
you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking." :grenade:
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
The Cat Test
To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet
novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and
aides. It involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room
facing far wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch
door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note
that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between
subclassifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following
guidelines for interpretation of results.
1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about room and on
testee - cat alive, still cold.
3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room - cat terminated.
3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.
4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat
alive and sleeping in center of room.
5. PSYCOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely
about testee's head - cat assumed terminated.
6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine
headache - cat alive and still confused.
8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched,
hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat
alive, confused, and sexually aroused.
To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet
novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and
aides. It involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room
facing far wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch
door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note
that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between
subclassifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following
guidelines for interpretation of results.
1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about room and on
testee - cat alive, still cold.
3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room - cat terminated.
3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.
4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat
alive and sleeping in center of room.
5. PSYCOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely
about testee's head - cat assumed terminated.
6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine
headache - cat alive and still confused.
8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched,
hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat
alive, confused, and sexually aroused.
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!
Right now, as you read this,17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!
- The NEW Pope - Amazing!
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.
In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!
Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.
In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!
Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This
is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man
sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to
go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The
genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another
wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My
wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I
wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . .
.know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say,
'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie
said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This
is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man
sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to
go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The
genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of
that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another
wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My
wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I
wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . .
.know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say,
'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie
said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
how do you make a dishwasher a snowblower?
Give your wife a shovel
Give your wife a shovel
One day, a lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "And what do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution for your problem. I have two male parrots. I have taught them to read the bible and pray. You can bring them to my home and we will put the parrots together, and maybe my parrots can change your parrots' ways."
So the woman goes home and gets her two parrots, and takes them over to the priest's house. When she walked into the priest's living room, she saw his two parrots holding rosary beads and praying. They placed her two parrots with the priest's parrots and immediately the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" After a moment of stunned silence, one of the priest's parrots turned to the other and said, "Put the beads away, Francis. Our prayers have been answered."
Then he thought for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution for your problem. I have two male parrots. I have taught them to read the bible and pray. You can bring them to my home and we will put the parrots together, and maybe my parrots can change your parrots' ways."
So the woman goes home and gets her two parrots, and takes them over to the priest's house. When she walked into the priest's living room, she saw his two parrots holding rosary beads and praying. They placed her two parrots with the priest's parrots and immediately the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" After a moment of stunned silence, one of the priest's parrots turned to the other and said, "Put the beads away, Francis. Our prayers have been answered."
"The First Time's Always the Worst"
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire.
That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me,
her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I did. Now, ladies, get those mammograms, but be prepared!
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire.
That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me,
her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I did. Now, ladies, get those mammograms, but be prepared!
Saddam Captured! Intelligence reported that Saddam was
suspected to be hiding in a field of long scrub grass on the outskirts
of Basra,,,,,British Marines used their own 'intelligence' they sprayed
the field with viagra,,,,,,,and the little prick stood up.
suspected to be hiding in a field of long scrub grass on the outskirts
of Basra,,,,,British Marines used their own 'intelligence' they sprayed
the field with viagra,,,,,,,and the little prick stood up.
- If Peter Arnett & Geraldo Were Reporting D-Day 1944
Among the many "what ifs" that cross my feeble brain after watching the evening "news", this one came to mind. I think you'll get my point.
It is June 11th 1944, five days into the landing at Normandy. Peter Arnett is broadcasting events from behind enemy lines and Geraldo Rivera is an "embedded" reporter covering the story. Dan Rather is about to get the latest live updates. Lets Listen....
D - Hello Peter...Peter can you hear me?
P - Yes Dan I'm here.
D - Peter, where are you now? Are you safe?
P - Yes Dan, the Nazi Information Ministry has been kind enough to allow me to broadcast from one of the many artillery emplacements near what the Allies have arrogantly coined "Omaha Beach". I'm relatively safe although the concrete walls of this hardened bunker do bring a chill to the air. To make matters worse, my cameraman and I have been denied any access to the French wine the German soldiers greedily hoard for themselves, and the cheese is a bit runny today.
D - It sounds like it's been difficult for you Peter. Our hearts and prayers go out to you. So what can you tell us? Is the invasion progressing as scheduled?
P - No Dan, It was originally set to start one day earlier, June 5th, but was delayed 24 hours and woefully this was an omen of things to come. It seems the Allied commanders did not anticipate the tenacity of the German defense forces nor the abysmal weather conditions here in France. The beaches were strung with hundreds of miles of barbed wire and thousands of mines and concrete blocks were set in place on the beach making it nearly impossible for Allied forces to safely get ashore.
D - Peter…back here in the States we're all wondering, have there been many American casualties...have mothers and fathers, wives, sisters and brothers, lost their loved ones due to a dreadful miscalculation by General Eisenhower and the Joint Chiefs?
P - Yes Dan, sadly it does appear that way. Many men never made it to the beach, their landing craft being struck by shore batteries before reaching their destination. For those that survived the initial attack, the packs and equipment they carried were so heavy they sank in the rough coastal waters and drown. Enemy machine gun fire, mortars and artillery frequently cut down soldiers that managed to make it the beach. In my estimation, thousands men have died in the first five days of this misguided campaign.
D - Peter, I've just been told we've made contact with Geraldo but before we let you go I must ask...do you believe now, there is any hope at all, that the invasion could be successful or has this terrible miscalculation on the part of Allied commanders, doomed to failure, this risky attempt to free the oppressed people of France?
P - Dan I wish I had better news but I must report, there can be no hope at this point for the wayward American and British troops. It would take a miracle to overcome the insurmountable opposition they face and I now believe it is only a matter of time before the Allies are forced back to the sea to meet whatever fate awaits them.
D - Thank you Peter, we wish you safe journey. That was Peter Arnett reporting live from a German stronghold near Omaha beach in Normandy. We now take you to a live report from Geraldo Rivera who is embedded with the 101st Army Airborne Division somewhere in France. Hello Geraldo, Where are you and what can you tell us?
G - Hello Dan, well I've been told that for security reasons I can't give you any specific information that could compromise the success of the invasion. I can tell you we are part of a much larger operation secretly code named "Operation Overlord" that includes 3,000 landing craft set to go ashore along five beaches along the coast of Normandy. These are supported by 2,500 ships and 500 naval escort vessels that began to leave English ports on June 4th. Five nights ago 822 aircraft, carrying airborne troops or towing gliders, departed to landing zones in Normandy. In total over 13,000 aircraft will support Operation Overlord. In addition, the American 82nd and 101st Airborne Divisions I'm embedded with have parachuted and begun incursions at the base of the Cotentin peninsula 43 kilometer inland. Many drown in the marshes and bogs while others where lost, missing their drop zone by many kilometers. Meanwhile, the British 6th Airborne Division has seized its objectives just 58 kilometers east of our position. Its special task force also captured key bridges over the Caen Canal and Orne River but they are desperately undermanned and could easily be overrun if the Germans and their French Allies reposition themselves for an attack in the next 12 hours.
D - Geraldo, that's a most disappointing report. Can't you give us any details?
G - No Dan I'm sorry, not at this time.
D - I understand...Thank you Geraldo. Well folks, there you have it. After five long days of this engagement it has become clear that the Normandy invasion has been a total catastrophe, sealing with certainty the fate of Europe, and perhaps the United States. It is this reporter’s opinion that we now have no other option but to sue for peace with Adolph Hitler while we still can. That's it for this segment, stay tune for our new reality show, "Who wants to marry a Fascist" followed by "Amos and Adolph". This is Dan Rather, Good night.
Among the many "what ifs" that cross my feeble brain after watching the evening "news", this one came to mind. I think you'll get my point.
It is June 11th 1944, five days into the landing at Normandy. Peter Arnett is broadcasting events from behind enemy lines and Geraldo Rivera is an "embedded" reporter covering the story. Dan Rather is about to get the latest live updates. Lets Listen....
D - Hello Peter...Peter can you hear me?
P - Yes Dan I'm here.
D - Peter, where are you now? Are you safe?
P - Yes Dan, the Nazi Information Ministry has been kind enough to allow me to broadcast from one of the many artillery emplacements near what the Allies have arrogantly coined "Omaha Beach". I'm relatively safe although the concrete walls of this hardened bunker do bring a chill to the air. To make matters worse, my cameraman and I have been denied any access to the French wine the German soldiers greedily hoard for themselves, and the cheese is a bit runny today.
D - It sounds like it's been difficult for you Peter. Our hearts and prayers go out to you. So what can you tell us? Is the invasion progressing as scheduled?
P - No Dan, It was originally set to start one day earlier, June 5th, but was delayed 24 hours and woefully this was an omen of things to come. It seems the Allied commanders did not anticipate the tenacity of the German defense forces nor the abysmal weather conditions here in France. The beaches were strung with hundreds of miles of barbed wire and thousands of mines and concrete blocks were set in place on the beach making it nearly impossible for Allied forces to safely get ashore.
D - Peter…back here in the States we're all wondering, have there been many American casualties...have mothers and fathers, wives, sisters and brothers, lost their loved ones due to a dreadful miscalculation by General Eisenhower and the Joint Chiefs?
P - Yes Dan, sadly it does appear that way. Many men never made it to the beach, their landing craft being struck by shore batteries before reaching their destination. For those that survived the initial attack, the packs and equipment they carried were so heavy they sank in the rough coastal waters and drown. Enemy machine gun fire, mortars and artillery frequently cut down soldiers that managed to make it the beach. In my estimation, thousands men have died in the first five days of this misguided campaign.
D - Peter, I've just been told we've made contact with Geraldo but before we let you go I must ask...do you believe now, there is any hope at all, that the invasion could be successful or has this terrible miscalculation on the part of Allied commanders, doomed to failure, this risky attempt to free the oppressed people of France?
P - Dan I wish I had better news but I must report, there can be no hope at this point for the wayward American and British troops. It would take a miracle to overcome the insurmountable opposition they face and I now believe it is only a matter of time before the Allies are forced back to the sea to meet whatever fate awaits them.
D - Thank you Peter, we wish you safe journey. That was Peter Arnett reporting live from a German stronghold near Omaha beach in Normandy. We now take you to a live report from Geraldo Rivera who is embedded with the 101st Army Airborne Division somewhere in France. Hello Geraldo, Where are you and what can you tell us?
G - Hello Dan, well I've been told that for security reasons I can't give you any specific information that could compromise the success of the invasion. I can tell you we are part of a much larger operation secretly code named "Operation Overlord" that includes 3,000 landing craft set to go ashore along five beaches along the coast of Normandy. These are supported by 2,500 ships and 500 naval escort vessels that began to leave English ports on June 4th. Five nights ago 822 aircraft, carrying airborne troops or towing gliders, departed to landing zones in Normandy. In total over 13,000 aircraft will support Operation Overlord. In addition, the American 82nd and 101st Airborne Divisions I'm embedded with have parachuted and begun incursions at the base of the Cotentin peninsula 43 kilometer inland. Many drown in the marshes and bogs while others where lost, missing their drop zone by many kilometers. Meanwhile, the British 6th Airborne Division has seized its objectives just 58 kilometers east of our position. Its special task force also captured key bridges over the Caen Canal and Orne River but they are desperately undermanned and could easily be overrun if the Germans and their French Allies reposition themselves for an attack in the next 12 hours.
D - Geraldo, that's a most disappointing report. Can't you give us any details?
G - No Dan I'm sorry, not at this time.
D - I understand...Thank you Geraldo. Well folks, there you have it. After five long days of this engagement it has become clear that the Normandy invasion has been a total catastrophe, sealing with certainty the fate of Europe, and perhaps the United States. It is this reporter’s opinion that we now have no other option but to sue for peace with Adolph Hitler while we still can. That's it for this segment, stay tune for our new reality show, "Who wants to marry a Fascist" followed by "Amos and Adolph". This is Dan Rather, Good night.
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I
would have smelled of.
would have smelled of.
Uncle Bob
---==::==---
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens", said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
---==::==---
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens", said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"My God!" screamed the lawyer.
"Where's my Rolex?"
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"My God!" screamed the lawyer.
"Where's my Rolex?"
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He
went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get
a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say,
I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked
her out. After she said no, he told her that it
was probably a good thing because he had a case
early in the morning. She said, "Oh! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place
and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to
laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing someone!"
went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get
a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say,
I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked
her out. After she said no, he told her that it
was probably a good thing because he had a case
early in the morning. She said, "Oh! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place
and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to
laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing someone!"
Taking it a little far dont ya think
***********************************
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake
and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite
fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years,
mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something
else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to
fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only
way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love
to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way
to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to
fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm
not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like
that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love
to fish..."
***********************************
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake
and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite
fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years,
mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something
else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to
fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only
way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love
to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way
to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to
fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm
not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like
that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love
to fish..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"a beer please, and one for the road,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
The doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "my dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um ... well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
One was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"a beer please, and one for the road,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
The doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "my dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off,"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um ... well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
hmm those cracked my up.. especially the
[quote]What do you call a fish with no I. A Fsh.. [/quote]
My co-workers just have no sense of humor I tell ya. . :cheese:
[quote]What do you call a fish with no I. A Fsh.. [/quote]
My co-workers just have no sense of humor I tell ya. . :cheese:
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a
man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes
them.
Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms
aren't long enough.
man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes
them.
Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms
aren't long enough.
| QUOTE | ||
hmm those cracked my up.. especially the
My co-workers just have no sense of humor I tell ya. . :cheese: |
me too Chummin!
And I told a couple to Da Boyz, who rolled their eyes at me... then I heard one of them telling one of the jokes to his buddies on the way out the door! hehehe
Vicki
This sign is posted at a local golf club in the northern California
area:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH
APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.............
NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!
area:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH
APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.............
NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead."
.......................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
The class nodded in agreement.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" the teacher asked.
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead."
.......................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
The class nodded in agreement.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" the teacher asked.
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Billy," the lad replies.
"And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator.
I actually have three questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry," replies the boy.
"And what is your question?" she asks.
"I have five questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Billy?"
"Billy," the lad replies.
"And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator.
I actually have three questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry," replies the boy.
"And what is your question?" she asks.
"I have five questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Billy?"
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