Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
South Bay

Any Retrosexuals Out There

Recommended Posts

Saw this, thought I would share:

THE RETROSEXUAL MAN

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The RetroSexual Code :

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on National TV.

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, Or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 Years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc.

You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are Riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none Of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club,etc.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Should be the "Real Man's Handbook" mandatory reading and compliance by all men. Except for that thing about paying for the date laughing.giflaughing.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is an incredible list...

Interestingly, I found out the hard way that pointing these things out to another guy who (as I later found out) turns out to be Gay can be grounds for a harassment suit!

Go figure.

icon_biggrin.gif

The Pastor smokin.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
25cheers.giflaughing.gif Except that last contract part...you don't have to be stupid and looking to get screwed over to be a real man.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you burn yourself with hot coffee... DEAL WITH IT! icon_biggrin.gif

The Pastor smokin.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

excellent 25cheers.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

Does this include not getting high centered on a dune? laughing.giflaughing.giflaughing.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i stand and salute you....good job

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Retrosexual Lives Matter

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Funny, I never see that stuff on my TV, then again I'm not gay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just might have found a new name for myself on the board. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Damn, that's 2 blasts from the past today . . .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

People avoid taking risks in life so they can make it to death safely" 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rip Pimpshack...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ALL of the words to the Star Spangled Banner....?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

The original retrosexual!!!!

He is rolling in his grave on all of the sexual stuff these days!!

gettyimages-597691496.jpg?quality=90&str

298fpn.jpg

36uwel9hqqsy.jpg

life-is-hard-its-harder-if-youre-stupid-

imageedit_1864_9831854552.jpg

longform-original-21151-1444427710-3.jpg

 

Edited by Wash 10 Crew

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Wash 10 Crew said:

The original retrosexual!!!!

He is rolling in his grave on all of the sexual stuff these days!!

gettyimages-597691496.jpg?quality=90&str

298fpn.jpg

36uwel9hqqsy.jpg

life-is-hard-its-harder-if-youre-stupid-

imageedit_1864_9831854552.jpg

longform-original-21151-1444427710-3.jpg

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Preview Post
Sign in to follow this  

More Links

©2001 GlamisDunes.com.
All rights reserved.

×
×
  • Create New...