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Funny stuff your dad used to say....


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This is for the one liners that your dad or grandpa (or whomever) used to say that would generally sum up the situation..

 

"you can never be a has been if you, are a never was". 

Hotter than a popcorn fart.

He could screw up a wet dream.

 

 

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Useless as tits on a chicken.

Handy as pockets in underwear.

Can't never could.

Do it right the first time.

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Oh yea............. step dad #28 used to say,

"use the proper tool for the proper job". 

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Dad: That was for nothing, wait till you do something. Usually right after smacking me upside the head

 

Stepdad: Life is like an Indians left breast.  It's not fare and it's not right

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"I'll be right back! Need to shake hands with the unemployed"

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Meanwhile back at the ranch

colder than a witches tit

engage brain before engaging mouth

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You want something to cry about?

I should have pulled out.

 

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If you lost something it will be in the last place you look. 
 

Don’t let your Alligator mouth overload your Hummingbird ass.
 

 Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about. 
 

 

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I'll  knock you into next week if you do that again.

I'll kick your ass until your nose bleeds boy.

Those were said in fun usually,  when he got quite and started to bow up,   RUN!

Miss him.

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"You gotta be smarter than what you're working with."

"Is it stupid, or are you stupid?"

Mom used to whisper, "They will never find your body."

"Don't hang out with liars or thieves. They can't help but lie and steal from you."

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"Are you gonna be an idiot your whole life son?" Peace

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Hotter than a two peckered Billy goat

Sweating more than a brat in church

 More scared than Mike Tyson in a spelling B

You were found in a dumpster

The only thing your mom was good at was blow jobs

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Just now, Big_Daddy_Jp said:

Hotter than a two peckered Billy goat

Sweating more than a brat in church

 More scared than Mike Tyson in a spelling B

You were found in a dumpster

The only thing your mom was good at was blow jobs

Brat equals W-H-O-R-E

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Busier than a one legged dude in an a.z.z kicking contest.

Busier than a one and wall paper hanger.

 

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My stepdad wasn't much for funny sayings.

When I was about 9, he said, "The Navy ain't never done me no harm." I replied, "The least they could have done was teach you some grammar." My mom chuckled, I think I got about a month's restriction for that one. She agreed with me, but wouldn't override him.

The rest of these are mom-isms.

"If you hear a baby crying in a dumpster, do NOT rescue the baby. It will ruin your life, like you did mine."

"I can't wait until you have children." "Oh, you want grandchildren?" "No, I just want you to go through what you put me through."

"If you ever have children and expect me to watch them, I'm going to feed each of them 5 lbs of candy bars just before you pick them up."

"I am Mother Nature. I made up all of the laws of nature. I control everything."

"I have eyes in the back of my head. I have RADAR in my forehead. I can hear everything. I own all of the satellites. The CIA asks me what's happening. So don't even try anything."

"Every stupid idea that pops into your head - I thought of and decided against it 25 yrs ago, so don't ever think you've discovered a new trick or something I don't know. I'm 25 yrs wiser than you." 

If all of your friends decided to jump off a bridge, would you follow them? If so, make sure it's a tall bridge and you die, because I'd rather you die than be as stupid as your friends."

 

She was a lot of things. Judgmental, black/white, opinionated, unforgiving, demanding and relentless were 6 of them.  

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I once asked my mom if I could get a tattoo. She said, "No! A tattoo announces to the world you were once drunk and stupid, or marked as a slave." After about 5 seconds, my stepdad said, "HEY! I have tattoos!" Mom said, "I rest my case."

I had to leave the room so he wouldn't hear me laughing, causing another month's restriction!

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"I never liked you when we were friends"

"Here's a dime, go call someone who cares"

"I saved your life today, I killed a chit eating dog"

All in jest of course, he was a good dad.

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From my Grandpa. A classic 

“I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his guts were on fire “

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"Here's your box" unless your going to work hard you might as well figure out how to live in it now. He was also a high school science teacher, until retirement he spent his 20s-40s laying carpet, then learned about stocks and became a broker, he always went to college when he could. finally graduated 25+ years later /w bs at ASU and msc at Georgia state U before becoming a teacher (I think my dad went to 6+ universities throughout the west/south). He was pretty blunt with his students since be began teaching in his 50s.

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If she had as many Dix sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine. 

 (Had to get around the spelling sensor). 

Edited by Hondajimz
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the one i remember the best was

 

"hold the gawd dam flashlight still"

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45 minutes ago, zilla68 said:

the one i remember the best was

 

"hold the gawd dam flashlight still"

Winner winner 

Chicken dinner

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