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Joke of the day

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Post your funny joke here and brighten someones day [big Grin]

[ 11-12-2002, 07:27 AM: Message edited by: Esco ]

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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one

woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they

decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to

fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a

very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of

the rope, because, as a woman, she was used

to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general,

and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, ALL THE MEN STARTED CLAPPING THIER HANDS...

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A man walks into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he

wants. "I want bury my face in your cleavage and lick

the perspiration from your breasts'" he says.

"You filthy wotsit - get out before I fetch my husband!"

shouts the barmaid.

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts, and again asks him what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt on your

bum and lick it off," he says. "You dirty old man - get out!"

she storms. Again, the man apologises and swears never

to do it again.

"Now - what do you want?" He replies: "I want to turn you

upside down, fill your secret place with Guinness, and drink

every last drop."

The barmaid is furious, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband,

who's watching TV. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put

his head between my breasts and lick the perspiration off," she

says. "I'll kill him!" storms the husband. "And he wants to pour

yogurt onto my bum and lick it off," she screams. "He's dead!"

howls the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. "Then he said

he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my secret place with

Guinness and then drink it all," she cries. The husband puts

down his bat and slumps into his armchair. "Aren't you going

to protect my honor?" she cries, hysterically. "Look - I'm not

messing with someone who can drink two gallons of Guinness,"

he replies.

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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at

his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

angryfire.gif <--- laughing.gif

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A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery.

she asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background.

She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was... He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer's last words, and found that they were, "Holy s***! Look at all the EFFIN Indians!"

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Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: You and your wife agree, no more kids. Bad: She can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter has borrowed them.

Good: You give the "birds & bees" talk to your kids Bad: They keep interrupting. Ugly: With corrections and additional info.

Good: Your daughter has a new job. Bad: She's a hooker. Ugly: Your neighbors and co-workers are her best clients. Uglier: She makes more money than you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Four Sons...

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest . When he walks into a room, everyone calls him FATHER."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR GRACE."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR EMINENCE."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The other ladies give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the girls say, OH, MY GOD!!!"

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A beer before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh s***, it's started."

beer.gif

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The Delicacy

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served ??" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste !! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins".

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A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I

call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to

the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would

like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked

like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine

years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to

have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was

over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole

world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my

personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone

would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at

the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then

on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When

we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me

and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the

motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me

awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,

the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking

around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said

that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said,

"I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of

the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex

left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A

cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in

the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles

with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went

for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to

be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but

now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And

the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a

man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

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What is the only food that eliminates a womans sexual drive?

Wedding cake.

P.S. Esco, don't serve it at your wedding icon_biggrin.gif

Peace

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These are a few bizzare incidents reported by newpapers around the world...

-----------------

A jilted husband tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the tiger enclosure at a zoo in centeal China. The depressed man hoped to be eaten alive after climbing into the tiger enclosure in Wuhan Dongtxihu Shengshan Happy World, the South China Morning Post reported yesterday. Zookeepers distracted the tigers by throwing them chicken and then hauling the man to safety. appearently the man became suicidal after his wife dumped him.

-----------------

In Pullman, Washington, they have figured out what started a car fire. It was the plastic prism hanging from the car's rear-view mirror. A little plastic prism magnified the rays of the sun, set fire to some papers on the seat, which triggered the fire that consumed the car. Here's the perfect irony: the plastic prism was a gift... given to the driver by his insurance company.

In England, an artist who was sacked by a cookie company took revenge by adding sex scenes to the pictures on their famous cans of cookies. Tens of thousands of cans of Ginger Nuts from Huntley & Palmer were sold before someone spotted in the picture a couple making love in the bushes, two dogs locked together and a jam jar with a 4-letter word on it.

-----------------

It's that time of year again (Apr. 19), when the eyes of the world will focus on Boston -- on the sweat, the tears, the glory. The Marathon. But there is one aspect of the race that officials don't want the world to see this year: the unpleasant practice of runners relieving themselves on front lawns, backyards, garages, and trees along the route. Race officials this year are mounting a massive effort, positioning 471 portable toilets near the starting line in the Boston suburb of Hopkinton, placing dozens of "good will ambassadors" to direct runners to toilets, and creating a hotline that residents can call to report runners and others answering the call of nature where they shouldn't. A sanitation team will be standing by, just in case, to clean up the mess.... (Caution) Race officials from the Boston Athletic Association met last year with the Hopkinton Marathon Committee -- formed more than 20 years ago to address the fouling of property during the event -- after an unprecedented flood of complaints about runners not only urinating, but defecating, applying Vaseline to private parts, and changing tampons within public view. The instances have been more common in Hopkinton than anywhere else along the route, race officials and runners said, because all 20,000-plus runners converge on the town at the same time, and a good portion of them need to prepare themselves and use the restroom before the race starts.

-----------------

A man has bitten a dog to death in eastern China after it attacked him as he walked home with friends after a night out, a news report said. The man who was drunk, pounced on the dog when it nipped him on the genitals in Shanghai. He reportedly bit it until died, according to the South China Morning Post. The man is expected to face charges.

-----------------

Doctors say a rural Mexican woman used her farming skills to perform a C-section on herself, and delivered a healthy baby boy. The effort is described as "heroic." The authors of a medical journal report say there are cases of women performing Caesareans on themselves, but none where mother and child both survived. The woman lived in a dirt floor house with no electricity or running water and was alone when she went into labor with her ninth child. There were complications and the woman's experience slaughtering animals helped her perform the crude C-section. Having lost a baby during childbirth, she was determined to save this one. A local nurse later closed the insision with an ordinary needle and thread. She was later taken to a hospital. The report on the 2002 incident appears in the International Journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics.

-----------------

In Pollock Pines, California, a twelve-year-old girl bought a rubber basketball for her dog at a yard sale. When they got home, her father noticed two things: the dog was drooling all over his new play toy, and there was writing on the ball. He picked up the ball to see what was written on it and saw the words, "Best wishes, Lew Alcindor, '68 NCAA champs." The girl had no idea what that meant, but the father did -- he knew that Lew Alcindor had helped UCLA win back-to-back-to-back NCAA titles in 1967, '68, and '69, before moving to the NBA and changing his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. So the father went online to check the value of Lew Alcindor autographs and found they were extremely rare. He then had the signature authenticated and plans on turning his daughter's $1 yard sale investment into several thousand dollars on eBay.

-----------------

One handed golfer Bill Hilsheimer is defying the odds. In the past six months, he's sunk three holes in one. The latest ace came last week, on the 157-yard par three 13th hole at the Bird Bay Executive Golf Course in Venice, Florida. Robby Robertson, the owner-manager of Bird Bay, can't believe it. According to the Natinoal Golf Foundation, the odds of an amateur hitting a single hole in one are more than 12 thousand to one. The 68 year old Hilsheimer lost most of his hand as a kid, when he was run over by a train. He swings only with his left arm.

-----------------

A 25-year-old Connecticut woman has been arrested after an investigation into a February fight that ended with another woman's finger being flushed down a toilet. Takoe Dawkins was charged with first-degree assault. She is accused of biting off the right ring finger of the 23-year-old victim, whose name has not been released. The victim was visiting a friend when Dawkins arrived at the same home in the company of the victim's boyfriend. The two woman began fighting and Dawkins grabbed the victims finger and bit it off. The boyfriend and others then stepped in and broke up the fight. Someone picked up the finger and disposed of it in the toilet.

-----------------

Michele Kwan finished third in the World Figure Skating Championship after a man snuck past security and stripped on the ice as she was about to perform. The man was wearing skates, tights and a tutu and had a web address painted to his chest. Michelle claimed the chilly streaker didn't bother her, but we're not so sure. The jumps she made during her performance didn't have their usual height and seemed to suffer from shrinkage.

-----------------

In Germany, an artist is looking for a zoo that would feed his body to piranhas once he's dead. Karl Friedrich Lentze says he came up with idea after reading about a Dutch man who wanted to be fed to snails. Lentze justified his request by saying it could have educational purposes if it was done in front of a group of biology students.

A burly man finally pulled over for sheriff's deputies in Oakland County, Michigan, after a high speed chase, but he wasn't ready to surrender. When he got out of his car, he used his dog to attack the officers. Pit Bull? German Shephard? Doberman? No, a French poodle. The man swung the tiny poodle around on it's leash, deputies say. The dog was not injured, and the unnamed man was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation.

----------------

A daring theif who stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pant learned that crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave him a vasectomy. Police say that the 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Britol, England, supermarket when he removed the lobsters from thier tank and shoved them in his trousers. The man sprinted past stunned check-out girls when he felt the lobsters clutching on his manhood. The thorny creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the theif will fully recover , but he will never be a daddy. "Basically, it was a do-it-yourself vasectomy," said the doctor."The patient's sexual ablilities will be restored in time but he will not be able to father children." The theif's painful prank landed him in the hospital, where he is expected to remanin for three or four weeks. But thanks to a kindhearted supermarket manager, he will not be charged with any crime. "The guy's gone through enough pain," said the store manager. "I think he has learned his lesson. I doubt if he'll ever steal again."

-----------------

A British woman claims to be the owner of the world's oldest cat. Jean Stone says she found her cat Whiskey in a dustbin in East London on March 17, 1971, which makes him 33 years or 231 in cat years. The Guinnes World Records people say the current oldest living cat is a 27 year old Burmese.

-----------------

Whan a cow left a barn south of Idaho Falls, Idaho, nobody expected a chase, a wounded animal control officer or an attack on a police vehicle. The owner of the he 1000 pound Angus spent about four hours trying apprehend the animal. A police sergeant tried to herd the cow by driving beside it. The cow rammed into his Ford Explorer, denting a front panel, and then disappeared. Later an offical lassoed the cow but couldn't hold on to the rope. Finally the owers stopped the cow by parking there car on the loose end of the rope.

-----------------

An 83-year-old Canadian woman has been rescued after spending two days wedged behind her toilet. The Winnipeg Sun says a caretaker raised the alarm after noticing a pile of papers outside her apartment in the city. The slightly-built woman told paramedics she wasn't sure how she'd managed to get stuck. Winnipeg Fire Platoon Chief, Bob Wright, told the newspaper: "Her whole body somehow became jammed behind her toilet. It was one of those strange occurrences and you wouldn't have believed it even if you had a camera and had taken a picture." Firefighters turned off the water, removed bolts from the toilet's base and smashed the porcelain to free the pensioner. The woman had sore ribs, but didn't appear to have any broken bones. She's expected to make a full recovery.

---------------

A frusatrated Afghan soldier who could not afford to get married has been released without charge after being caught having sex with a donkey. The soldier, who was not identied, was detained for several days last week after a young boy spotted him with the animal in an abandoned house in the Town of Gardez. A police officer told reporters, "The man insisted he had no other choice but the donkey becasue he could not afford to pay a dowry to get married." The man has since been released without charge. In many parts of Afghanistan men must pay at least $3000 to the parents of their propective bride, making marrige difficult for many in a country where the average annual income is only a few hundred dollars.

---------------

A woman in the mountian town, Narrows, Virginia was attacked and bitten by a bobcat in her basement yesterday afternoon. According to a dispatcher with the Giles County Sheriff's Office, the woman kept a basement window open so her pet cats could come and go. The bobcat apperently climbed through the window. The woman who's name was not released by police, went to her basement to get something out of the freezer about 3 pm and saw the bobcat. When she turned to run, the bobcat jumped on her. The woman suffered two bites and several scratches before she got away. Her injuries were not serious. Once the game warden and the Giles County deputies arrived the full grown animal, was killed and turned over to the health department to be tested for rabies. The dispatcher who has worked with the sheriff's office for more than ten years said she doesn't recall ever getting a call about a bobcat inside someone's home.

---------------

A man who was laid off last week from his job at a tractor factory claimed a $89 million Powerball prize Monday with the sole winning ticker. Tom Rivers said he and his wife, Pam, plan to buy a new house and move out of their mobile home in the town of Salem, Indiana. The Couple who are both 24 and have two young children, opted for the cash option and will receive $49.9 million before taxes.

---------------

A satellite dish installer in Muskegon, Michigan, is in trouble for stealing panites. Aurthorities accuse Nicholas Hinkley of taking new and used souvenirs from his female customers. He's charged with larceny, a felony that carries up to a four year sentence. Investigators say a duffel bag found in Hinkey's home contained 78 pairs of underware, sex toys and home videos. Hinkley has pleaded innocent and is free on five thousand dollars bond.

---------------

An Australian man admits he was 'stupid' after shooting himself in the head with a nail gun.

33-year-old Brad Shorten was having a few beers with his friends (alcohol? no kiddin'....) when they started joking around about industrial accidents. Naturally, Brad picked up what he thought was an empty nail gun, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger. Surprise! Turns out there WAS a nail in there after all, and it promptly lodged itself into Brad's temple, piercing a portion of his brain.

It took neurosurgeons four hours to remove the 1 1/4" nail from his temple, but doctors expect him to make a full recovery. Of course, Brad could have handled the entire operation himself. Before being wheeled into surgery, he told doctors that he would gladly take it out with a 'pair of pliers.'

He later told an Australian newspaper that, "I did a very stupid thing."

No kidding.

You really hit the nail on the head...

Ho!

But seriously, folks....

----------------

A drunk man broke into several hangars at a Houston airport before flying off in one of the planes--despite the fact that he had no prior flight experience. Police say 21-year-old Louis Paul Kadleek flew the two-seat Cessna for about a mile before crashing into 100,000-volt power lines. Several people witnessed the crash, including one person who was convinced the pilot was dead, so they drove off to a golf game before authorities arrived.

As for Louis--he's fine. In fact, he escaped ANY injury, and walked three miles back to his house, where police finally caught up with him. He could get 20 years for grand theft.

When authorities asked him where he was planning to take the plane, Louis reportedly told them, "I don't know. Mexico, maybe."

----------------

Food fight!

An upscale Florida retirement home looked more like “Animal House” the other day. A salad bar dispute turned into a senior citizens’ brawl at the Spring Haven Retirement Community. Police say 62-year-old resident Lee Thoss was picking through the lettuce. The disgusted 86-year-old William Hocker, who was in line behind Thoss. There was some name-calling, shoving and punches thrown. Police say other residents got involved in the buffet melee and one man was even bitten. Authorities won’t be pressing any criminal charges in the old folk’s food fight. But home managers have asked Thoss to move out.

-----------------

69-Year-Old-Man Has Toothbrush Lodged in Rectum

A toothbrush was used to relieve a different "cavity" when a pensioner decided to use the dental instrument to scratch his hemorrhoids. The 69-year-old man ordered into the hospital after the toothbrush became lodged in his rectum. An X-ray revealed it was deep inside near his pelvis. Although this was first recorded case of a toothbrush having to be removed from the rectum, the British Dental Journal reports doctors have recovered toothbrush holders, toothbrush packages and toothpicks in the past.

-------------------

Moviegoers at Stadium 16 Theater in Evansville, Indiana, attending a showing of Passion of the Christ got more than they bargained for Saturday night. They were greeted in the lobby of the theater by a man wearing a red devil costume. Tyler Wendell, a freshman at the University of Southern Indiana, caused quite a ruckus with his get-up. The audience, many who were part of church groups, was visibly upset by the antics of Wendell. Many patrons jeered Wendell as he stood in line for concessions. He said he wore the costume because he likes to "push the limits." Once inside the movie, Christians began pelting Wendell with Gummy Bears, Ju-Ju Bees, and popcorn. Management got involved after a 75-year-old woman poured a 64-ounce Coca-Cola on Wendell.

-------------------

Hey...at least he washed it down with a Diet Coke...

An unidentified 62-year-old Frenchman visited the emergency room recently, complaining of gastric pains. Doctors soon found the reason why: he had swallowed around 350 coins (more than $650 worth), along with several necklaces and needles. The resulting mass weighed over 12 pounds, forcing his stomach to actually drop down between his hips. Although doctors were able to remove the mass, the man still died 12 days later from complications.

Hospital officials say the man suffered from a rare mental condition called 'pica,' a compulsion to eat things not normally consumed as food. Not to be confused with 'yuca,' a compulsion to eat 7-11 hot dogs and burritos.

-------------------

OK. It's gonna take a LOT of Stoli to kill this kind of hurt--

A Russian man has been told he will have a bent penis for the rest of his life after getting it caught in a padlock. (Hey..that's what happens when you don't have cable TV..)

Firemen in Moscow spent an hour freeing the man after what they describe as a 'sex game gone wrong.' The unidentified 20-year-old man called emergency services, who tried using cold water and grease to free him, before finally cutting him free with a saw.

Doctors at Moscow's Hospital No. 50 say the man will still be fully functional, although he'll be 'bent to one side' for the rest of his life.

-------------------

Employees of a steak house in Frederick, Maryland, called police when they spotted a customer licking the tops of the salt shakers on the tables. They say, she was also snorting sugar and eating napkins. When sheriff's deputies arrived, they found Deann Leizear in the men's restroom. When she allegedly refused to leave and tried to hit, bite and kick the officers, they squirted her with pepper spray. She was arrested and charged.

--------------------

Woman marries dead boyfriend

A 35-year-old Frenchwoman became both bride and widow when she married her dear boyfriend, in an exchange of vows that required authorization from the French president. The ceremony was performed at Nice City Hall on the French Rivera. The deceased groom, died in September 2002. The bride told LCI television she was fully aware that "it could seem shocking to marry someone who is dead", but said that her fiance's absence from her life had not dimmed her feelings for him.

-----------------------

In Nepal, with his son and other relatives by his side, a 75-year-old-man married a dog. It's custom in that community for older men to marry a dog to bring them good luck and avoid great misfortune later in life. Unfortuntely, three days later, the man died of natural causes.

------------------

A Brazilian football refree is facing divorce proceedings after he pulled a pair of red panties out of his pocket instead of a red card during a match. The ref's wife was in the stands watching the game and didn't believe him when he claimed he had no idea how the red lace panties ended up in his pocket.

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Guest carmanea

Sorry Guys... unsure.gificon_wink.gif

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14.. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..

15.. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

blink.giflaughing.giflaughing.gificon_wink.gif

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Guest carmanea

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he

realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the

heck," as he says to himself. I really need a

drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the

cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that.

All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve

you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine

for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just

Do It'.

That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his

Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells

him he'll give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and

sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the

name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella

proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and

keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on

his right, who happens to

be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do

you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,

"FORD, because Quality is Job One.

"Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine

CHEVY....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think

for a moment before he comes up with a name for his

manhood. Finally, he

turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my

penis is SECRET. Now

give me a damn beer."

The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour

it he turns to the cowboy with a puzzled look and

asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A

MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

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14.. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..

This explains alot! icon_wink.gif

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Guest carmanea

14.. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..

This explains alot! icon_wink.gif

laughing.giflaughing.giflaughing.gif

Smart A$$ icon_wink.gif

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Guest carmanea

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be

asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they

will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again,

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she

gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for

you, young lady,I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be

VERY, VERY disappointed!

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14.. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..

This explains alot! icon_wink.gif

laughing.giflaughing.giflaughing.gif

Samrt A$$ icon_wink.gif

Is that ^^ how you spell smart? laughing.gif

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Guest carmanea

Yes it is... Samart A$$ laughing.gificon_wink.gif Ha Ha everyone is a comedian

No HI-JACKING Socaldmax.... icon_twisted.giflaughing.gificon_wink.gif

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I have been that disappointed girl.................. rolleyes.gif

Funny joke! laughing.gif

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his

birthday.

They

> >>arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His

> >>wife

> >>is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

> >>

> >>"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

> >>

> >>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual

and

> >>brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly

uncomfortable

> >>and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

> >>

> >>"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with

them."

> >>

> >>A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around

Dave,

> >>and

> >>says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

> >>

> >>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the

club.

Dave

> >>follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the

door,

> >>he

> >>jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the

stripper

must

> >>have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of

it.

She

> >>is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name

in

the

> >>book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up

a

real

> >>b!tch tonight, Dave."

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Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching

two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad

said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?" The other pad

responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

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A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a

sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what

can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"

"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."

So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the

next day. that night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the

next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came

home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole

bottle into his coffee...

About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a

litlle boy.

"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.

"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside

going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'

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