Joke of the day

[Esco 536]

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around

at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman

"can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier

bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad

when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books)

the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not

driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second

gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does

a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to

accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to

leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph.

The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In

the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are

beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!)

instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops

inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

[Loki 0]

Some people have all the luck in the world

[Esco 536]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

[JDMeister 1,267]

New Element Discovered.. called ..Administratium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named “Administratium”.

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it CAN be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as

“Critical Morass.”

You will know it when you see it.

[JDMeister 1,267]

Star Wars Redneck

You might be a Jedi Hick if....

If you ever heard the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all."

If your Jedi robe is camouflage.

If you have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

If at least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.

If you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

If you have ever had a landspeeder up on blocks in your yard.

If the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

If Wookies are offended by your B.O.

If you have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for halftime.

If you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

If you have ever used the Jedi mind trick on a game warden.

If your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

If you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

If you ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

If you have the doors of your X-Wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

If although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

If you have a cousin or a girlfriend who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

If duct tape is holding your lightsaber together.

If you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

If you have wondered how much your taxidermist would charge you to do a Wampa from Hoth.

If you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels in the Mos Eisley cantina.

If you've ever heard ..."Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle..."

[Esco 536]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but

lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,

and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in

place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams

and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to

her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. They had a

wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks an exquisite breakfast with all the

trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Jumpnbean 0]

Lesbianonics

>

> 1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?

> ...A licker cabinet.

>

> 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

> ...A Klondyke.

>

> 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

> ...Militia Etheridge.

>

> 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the

> same time?

> ....Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay

> on their face.

>

> 5. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

> ...Fur Traders.

>

> 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

> ...A Lickalotapuss.

>

> 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

> ...Well Hung.

>

> 8. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?

> ...Potpourri.

>

> 9. What did the lesbian vampire school teachers say to

> her partner?

> ...See you next period.

>

> 10. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

> ...She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

>

> 11. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

> ...Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

>

> 12. Do you know what drag is?

> ...It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

>

> 13. What do you call lesbian twins?

> ...Lick-a-likes.

>

> 14. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?

> ...She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own

> tampons.

>

> 15. What's the definition of confusion?

> ...Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

>

> 16. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a

> lesbian?

> ....One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

[JDMeister 1,267]

Incorrect Corrections from newspapers: When goofs pop off the page, editors scurry to print corrections.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord,"

In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William Bennett said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported, "It's a real S&M kind of thing."

It was incorrectly reported last Friday mat today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven."

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated the Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction - the following type appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sale of soybeans to foreign countries.

In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent - that is, torn - not rented.

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake

Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hilter's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hofnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hofnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.

In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee lacoocoo. His real name is Lee lacacca. The gazette regrets the error.

Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on the front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left our the word "sheep."

In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

[Guest carmanea]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His

father

said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is

$180,000

and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door

with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and

I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you

to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying

here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no friggin bike!"

[PimpShackDave 0]

$180,000 mortgage Must be a Zonie...

[Guest carmanea]

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an ahole.

3. Your best friend is a p*ssy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

[Jumpnbean 0]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he

came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that

at the bottom of the pond there was a little dork*tail sausage. The

cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep

he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and

ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again

and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage but

this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but

this time he had to put hiswhole arm into the pond. The cat hooked

the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an

enormous Cumberlandsausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so

delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole

of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY.......(you're gonna love this)

See below.............

The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the pU$$Y !!!!

[Esco 536]

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row,

with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill

Clinton. He looked back and stared at the agent, looked at Hillary, looked

back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders.

Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants,

and dropped her right over the wall into the field. She's kicking and

swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild.

They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling,

when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out

the first PITCH!"

[treshombre 11]

THE DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of

bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,

a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front

of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,

the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,but she was intrigued by

the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,"Well, you know what, you're

absolutely correct. But how on earth did you

know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Guest carmanea]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked

up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the

line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door.

He was planning to have a little fun with her...

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open

did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said,"No,no I

didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

[Guest carmanea]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the

world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up

his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the

office?

3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the

White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the

kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary

says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right question time. Who has a

question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him

out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:

1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the

office?

3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the

White House?

4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

5th - What happened to Kenneth?"

[Esco 536]

A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night, and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn, and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"

"I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended up getting laid by this girl at the bar."

"Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the chalk on his hands. "You damn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went late-night bowling again, didn't you?!"

[JDMeister 1,267]

TRUE-ISMS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitt! ing clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? (good point)

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR! (true!)

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year:

"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier." (amen!)

[Esco 536]

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is

getting dull. One night they're lying in bed when the girl

says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a poop on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump

on her chest. She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and

screw me." He lies on top of her, with the poop oozing

between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever

had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks

him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge

turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have

another incredible lay. As time goes on, Harry really gets

into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates,

because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the

sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he

eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of

Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down

his legs at the office. That night, he goes to her house,

they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the

bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but

nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then

pfff! -- a little fart -- but nothing of any substance.

For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly

he hears her crying. He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

[Kevin 151]

thats pretty gross there frank

[Esco 536]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the

milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she

probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the

point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to

leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up

with

milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ( @ Y @ ), I can splash it in my eyes.

[FNGOOFY 0]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with

her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does

not

have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and

mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that

the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a

check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I

rented the apartment, I was under the impression! that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there

wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for

$250 with the following note:

Dear sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment

to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of

it,

if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is

indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill

it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full ! or we will be forced to contact your present

landlady.

[Esco 536]

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the clerk, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," she says......"horseradish

[FNGOOFY 0]

GOOD

A Terre Haute, IN, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a

sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Indianapolis, IN. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As an Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Indiana State Police Ball." He replied, "Indiana State Police don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got

back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Esco 536]

THE WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON DC

Mr. John Hinckley

St. Elizabeth's Hospital

Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in

recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you

are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at

the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I

would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.

I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital,

you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jodie Foster?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

President