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I like the pic of the handcuffs... Thats a top one

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There was a woman from Buffalo

who challenged a fellow to show

that he could pee

higher than she.

How could the stout fellow say no?

So they went on out back of the pub.

She put her puss on the wall and said "Bub,

I'm goin' first...

I'm about to burst,"

then proceeded to let go a flood.

She managed about three feet high.

So the bub whipped open his fly...

grabbed hold of his thing,

but the lady" did sing,

"The rules are no hands, by the by!"

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A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the

waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took

off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"

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I like number 5 and 13

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I

can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed

with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with

"Guess"on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run

for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of

jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was

fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to

wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I

wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"

now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may

not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our

life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible

in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and

brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court

when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal

building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read

this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a

soldier."

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American Medical Association researchers

have made a remarkable discovery. It seems

that some patients needing blood transfusions

may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather

than human blood. It tends to make the men

dork*y and the women lay better.

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A little boy walks into his parents room to see his >>mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing? " The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that? asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".

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Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they

are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's

father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you

are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's

room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay

then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to

support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should

do us just fine,"

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much

thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that

Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny,

it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more

question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones

of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says

"Well, we've been lucky so far..."

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One January afternoon a flea oiled up his little flea legs and his little

flea arms, spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the

Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of

his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here from Michigan in some guy's mustache and he came down by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some

more suntan oil on his shoulders. "Next time just go to the stewardess lounge

at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air

Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, the following January while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the

stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a

perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"So the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

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Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the

future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

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Friends help you move.

Real friends help you move the body.

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You know you're a redneck if you have sex ed and

drivers ed in the same car

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There was an American man that had an meeting

in France. He met a woman and that night they

had their own meeting. While they were where

having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX."

He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be

some sort of praise.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had t

he meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He

yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

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There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

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You Might be a Red Neck if.....

- Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place."

- You park in handicapped spaces based on your SAT score.

- You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.

- Your taxidermist also does your taxes.

- You love lard sandwiches.

- You've ever let your dog baby sit your kids.

- Your security system is the latch on your screen door.

- Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.

- You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at your bug zapper.

- Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.

- The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.

- There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in your yard.

- Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.

- You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.

- Your favorite recipe includes Vienna sausages.

- You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.

- You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.

- You've used a barstool as a walker.

- You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.

- You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him fresh water.

- You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep your hats.

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Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What

have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did!

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,

I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a

proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch

movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your

business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch

them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty

much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of

Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,

do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not, they own it. laughing.gif

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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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>> > Today is my son's 18th birthday!

>> >

>> > Today will be my last child support payment! I am so

>> > damn happy!!!!

>> >

>> > So I called my baby boy to come over to my house, and

>> > when he got there, I said to him, "Baby boy, I want you

>> > to take this last check over to your mama's house and

>> > tell that bitch this is the last damn check she's ever gonna

>> > get from me, and then I want you to come back and tell me

>> > the expression on that bitch's face".

>> >

>> > So my baby boy took the check over. I was so anxious to

>> > hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like.

>> >

>> > As my baby boy walked through the door, I said, "okay,

>> > now WHAT DID THE BITCH HAVE TO SAY??? ......."

>> >

>> > "SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU AIN'T MY FATHER

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A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and

let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you,

you are going to like that, but don't let him do that

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but

don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his

way with you.

You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will

disgrace the family." With that bit

of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.The next day she told

grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I

didn't

let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned

over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted!!! shock.gif

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What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

You taste like Chicken! laughing.gif

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Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What

have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did!

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,

I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a

proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch

movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your

business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch

them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty

much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of

Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,

do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not, they own it. laughing.gif

Dude, this is great!!!!

icon_biggrin.gif

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a

pair of genuine alligator shoes in

the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local

vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of

the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair

of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out

and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on

catching

herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the

young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls

it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead

creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it back, and frustrated,

shouts out,

"Damn! This one is barefoot, too!"

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... A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says

"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says

"Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

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"50 Years Ago"

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That

night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy

negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her

husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same

negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that

night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I'm going to suck

the life out of those big ( @ Y @ ) and screw your brains out.’ "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said.

So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore

that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse

falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the

chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be

found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud

hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,

the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in

the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from

the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So

he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab

for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a

horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick

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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover

so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come out and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight,

put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new friend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the apartment began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for rodents, carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days,

and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move..

They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money

from the bank to purchase a new place.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job,

taking everything to their new home..

including the curtain rods.

Edited by Loki

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