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A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a

farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect

information about the reason that causes Mad Cow

Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you

know that the bull screws the cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new

piece of information, but what's the relation between

this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: Well Madam, do you know that we milk

the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but

what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point Madam. Just

imagine, if I was playing with your breasts four times a

day and only 'doing' you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

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After a long night of making love the young guy rolled

over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched

for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"

she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found

a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed

picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "Don't be silly. That's me before

the operation."

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to

revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying some new medicine?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an

aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he

won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me

know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires

as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The

effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the

cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off

and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the

tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but

I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again

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Why is being in the military like a BJ?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

isn't that right FRANCIS laughing.giflaughing.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif

Edited by Loki

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A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase

Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.

She told the young man at the window that she wished

to open an account with the bank and deposit the $3

million she had in the bag. She said that prior to doing

so she wished to meet the president of the bank due to

the large amount of money involved.

The teller opened the bag and saw bundles of $100 bills

and thinking this a reasonable request telephoned the

president's secretary to make an appointment for the lady.

Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the

president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated

that she liked to get to know the people she did business

with on a more personal level. The bank president then

asked her how she came into such a large sum of money

and whether it was perhaps an inheritance. She replied,

"No, I bet on people." Seeing his confusion she explained

that she just bet different things with different people.

All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 a.m.

tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president

figured that she must be off her rocker but decided to take her up

on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.

For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay

home that evening and take no chances, after all, there was

$25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his

shower he checked to make sure everything was normal.

There was no difference. He looked the same as he always had.

He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at

10:00 a.m., humming as he went. He knew that this would be

a good day. How often do you get handed $25,000 for doing

nothing he thought!

At 10:00 a.m. sharp the little old lady was shown into the

president's office. With her was a younger man who she

introduced as her lawyer. She said she always took him

along whenever there was this much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same

as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The little old lady seemed to accept this but insisted that she

be able to see for herself. The bank president thought the

request reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed

him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough,

everything was fine.

But then the Bank President looked up and saw the lady's

attorney across the room, banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"Oh, him?" she replied. "Nothing, really. I bet him $100,000 that

by 10:00 a.m. this morning I'd have the president of the Chase

Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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Excuses Why Men Forget A Gift On Valentine's Day

# 10 The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?

# 9 I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.

# 8 The Hallmark Store was closed and I didn't want to send less than the best.

# 7 I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!

# 6 I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you?

# 5 I didn't know you liked jewelry.

# 4 I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy Day.

# 3 Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre.

# 2 I thought we would do something different this year.

# 1 I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.

And The Plus One Excuse:

+ 1 You didn't remind me.

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and for those that like to decorate their surroundings while in Glamis...........the perfect solution............

post-24-1090305537.jpg

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now isn't THAT the truth.........

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now this makes you wonder what could be that good to a nun with her tongue sticking out ........... icon_confused.gificon_wink.giflaughing.gif

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the sad thing is............IT IS SOOOOOOO TRUE!!!! laughing.gif

post-24-1090305881.jpg

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AT LEAST WE ALL KNOW THAT IT ISN'T IN OUR HEADS

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This is what happens when airports use microsoft products

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what microsoft really wants their slogan to be...........

post-24-1090306397.jpg

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It's never too late to enjoy the finer things in life

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Honesty is always the best policy

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sometimes it doesn't pay to have a great invention or idea

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and just when bill clinton thought he could live quietly..............

post-24-1090307151.jpg

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if this were true, i would be very very afraid

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how do you spell ABSOLUTELY.....

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I DIDN'T KNOW THAT DOGS COULD READ SIGNS.............. icon_confused.gifblink.gif

post-24-1090308655.jpg

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the new look for glamis chicks

post-24-1090310224.jpg

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Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday

for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her

husband as her famous sister had done several years

ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as

Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her

husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and

tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in

serious, but stable condition and Louella has been

charged with ....

(scroll down)

A Misdewiener

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HAHAH very funny laughing.gif

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There was this fellow from Western Tennessee who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in his car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied "I have a flat tar."

In response the passerby asked "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

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The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a dork* rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the coc k rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the coc k fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a coc k?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a coc k?" All the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a coc k that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my coc k?" All the alter boys stood up.

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