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Christmas Tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas"

up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so

keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few

differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,

Santa Claus

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The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ... " and here I am.

See, Blonde Men do exist.

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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible

sports car for speeding.

She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The

blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer

tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her

compact,

opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the

blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her

eyes,

hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "You

know, if you would have told me you were a police officer when I first

pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing

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REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12

Calories

Without her consent............................2187

Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands...................................8

Calories

With one hand....................................12

Calories

With your teeth.................................485

Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6

Calories

Without an erection............................3315

Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris.......................8

Calories

Trying to find the G-Spot......................4092

Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary........................................12

Calories

69 lying down....................................78

Calories

69 standing up..................................812

Calories

Wheelbarrow.....................................216

Calories

Doggy Style.....................................326

Calories

Italian Chandelier.............................2912

Calories

ORGASMS:

Real.............................................112

Calories

Fake...........................................1315

Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18

Calories

Getting up immediately...........................36

Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816

Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years......................................36

Calories

30-39 years......................................80

Calories

40-49 years.....................................124

Calories

50-59 years....................................1972

Calories

60-69 years....................................7916

Calories

70 and over........................Results are still

pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly...........................................32

Calories

In a hurry.......................................98

Calories

With her father knocking at the door...........5218

Calories

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached

the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a

serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made

appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide

plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean,

are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the

reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

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There was an old man named Bozo, and all

he had was a female donkey. One day he

wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't

know what to do with his money, so he

decides to spend a night in a five star hotel.

He asks for the finest room and starts going

up the stairs with his female donkey. The

manager sees him and asks where he's

going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you

can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it

down here with us and we'll take good

care of her." So Bozo goes up to his

room and opens the door. Everything is

made of gold, there is a table full of food,

and a huge television. He doesn't want

to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy

coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next

morning the manager comes up to the

room and asks how his night was.

''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I

have to pay?'' he asks.

''One thousand dollars for the food.''

''But I haven't touched the food."

''It was right there, so you should have.

Two thousand dollars for the TV."

''But I didn't even know how to turn the

damn thing on!''

''It was there, so you should have. Five

thousand for sleeping on the bed."

''But I slept on the floor!''

''It was there. Your total is eight thousand

dollars."

''You owe me ten thousand dollars for

screwing my donkey.''

''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''

''It was there. You should have!''

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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,

"You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

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Mad Wife Disease

>> >

>> > A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked

>>up behind

>> > him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

>> >

>> > "What was that for?" he asked.

>> >

>> > "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the

>>name Mary

>> > Lou

>> > written on it," she replied.

>> >

>> > "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name

>>of one of

>> > the

>> > horses I bet on," he explained.

>> >

>> > "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was

>>a good

>> > explanation."

>> >

>> > Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she

>>walked up and

>> > hit

>> > him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which

>>knocked him

>> > out

>> > cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

>> >

>> > She replied, "Your horse called."

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned

to the

same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two

are

tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the

lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying,

"Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the

closet to

get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend

that

we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she repli es. "Get your own ** blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

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After a night out, a man and his date were out driving along in his

car.

They were passed by a police car, which then slowed beside them, moved

in behind them and pulled them over.

The policeman walked up to the car and asked, "Have you been drinking,

sir?"

"Why, to be honest, yes. But I know that I was driving carefully. How

did you know?"

"You're driving was fine," said the policeman. "It was the ugly chick

in

the passenger seat that gave you away." laughing.giflaughing.gif

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This was sent to Mrs. McDuner, and Slap got hisself a good chuckle...And of course, a donk on the head

11 people on a rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and

one Woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they

decided That one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very

Touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the

rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her

husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making

sacrifices With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their

Hands.......

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laughing.giflaughing.giflaughing.gif good one Slap

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One day a little girl came running into her

house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her

child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the

street gave me five dollars for doing

cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know

that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the

house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The

mother asked, "Where did you get the ten

dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street

gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel

while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,

''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any

panties today.''

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laughing.gif must be a blonde

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Slap...is...Rolling

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Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the

kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess

that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay

that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th

is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away

from a surprise visit from that Richard

Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size

of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke

up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the

joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after

my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the

size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover

Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much

as your ass!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

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"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th

is the Super Bowl."

thats what chris is gonna have to do, lol

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the French."

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A new bar opened and everyone in town was talking about it. The buzz was because it had a robot-bartender. One fellow had to see this for himself, so in he goes and sits at the bar Sure enough, a robot was bartending.

The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere.

This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar.

Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

Wow, this is amazing and it peaks the man's interest in seeing how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50 .

.The robot replies: "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Kerry?

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