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That's a TOP joke... beer.gif

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Senior citizen to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you are getting married?" "Yep!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really.""Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "No, poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "She can still drive."

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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a

waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at

a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender

set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered,

"I'm supposed to come dressed as my love

life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested

the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven

years ago."

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A Good Amish Girl

A dating Amish couple, Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in

their buggy. It's mid-January and very cold.

Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."

Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."

Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard

thing in your pants?"

Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid. Maybe you can rub it

and warm it up?"

The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother,

"Ma, what do you know about penises?"

Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"

Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they

melt!"

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A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day

she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker

guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I

want to join your club."

The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker

requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a

motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", and

points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any

man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, Do you smoke?

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4

packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting

pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks," Last Question. Have you ever

been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,

"Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times.

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A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then

spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to

feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has

noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right

now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely

vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just

touching it... you're going to s*** when you hear the price."

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this is really messed up...............***especially if your doing it*** laughing.giflaughing.gificon_wink.gif

post-24-1094771497.gif

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But it DOES work, unlike most software. laughing.giflaughing.gif

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Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.

They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some

great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would

like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our

incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's

charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her

number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and

Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there

in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why

you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and

now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

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laughing.giflaughing.giflaughing.gif damn...burn

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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."

25barf.gif

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Holy Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step

into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he

has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs

two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a

statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun

suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of

soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her

theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the

second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once,

then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more

tugs, then yells: "Holy Mary, Mother of God - hand lotion too!"

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Going For The Gold

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts out. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if

you came second for a change!".

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> A letter to Mom

>

>

>

> A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the

> bed was

> nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope

> propped

> up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom."

> With the

> worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with

> trembling hands:

>

> Dear Mom,

>

> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

> elope

> with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and

> you.

>

> I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with

> all his

> piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not

> only

> the passion, mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very

> happy.

> He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood

for

> the

> whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's

> now

> one of my dreams too.

>

> John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be

> growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine

> and

> ecstasy we want.

>

> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

> John

> can get better; he sure deserves it!!

>

> Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of

> myself.

> Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your

> grandchildren.

>

> Your daughter,

> Judith

>

>

> PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's

house.

> I

> just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my

> report

> card (that's in the center drawer of my desk). I love you! Call

when

> it is

> safe for me to come home. laughing.gif that effed up

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Have u heard of "ZACHARY Disease" ?

This lady goes to see her Asian doctor, and asks "Doctor my husband won't have se*x with me, he said I have some kind of Disease"

Asian Doctor: After a full exam, he says "Oh, I have found the problem, you have Zachary Disease"

Woman: "What is Zachary disease?"

Asian Doctor: "Your face look Zachary like you're a*ss"

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On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the

> coastal

> area near the gulf for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the

> sea wall

> on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic

> commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling frantically

> to

> free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

>

> As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men

> aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a

> harpoon

> into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the

> bleeding,

> semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats,

> the two

> heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

> Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give

> you my

> blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there

> was

> some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I

> have

> seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

> As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?" "It

> was

> the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has

> all of

> God's wisdom."

> "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but

> he

> doesn't know squat about shark fishing. ... How's the bait holding up?"

>

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Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalkdust on each one. Johnny dropped

his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted, but when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up

underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!"

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Guest carmanea

Indian Mating Season...

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and

then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that

Was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian.It is our custom during mating season when Indian

men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into

the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the

cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" from deep

inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he

came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the

huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!It

is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some

really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and

hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the

answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the

cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

(Get ready this will kill ya),

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN !!!!!!!!

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Guest carmanea

Billy Bob's pregnant Sister had a car accident and went into a

deep coma. In a coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that

she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor

replies "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.

Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an

idiot."

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the

girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I

was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew." blink.gif

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A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you

tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It

is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been

running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?"

asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it

was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend.

"You still have ten minutes."

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A man walks into a HUMMER dealership. He browses around, then spots the truck of his dreams and walks over to inspect it. As he bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes him. Extremely embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as he turns back, there standing next to him, is a salesman. "Good day, Sir, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this manly vehicle? He answers, "Sir, I'm afraid I can't say....

If you farted just touching it .... you're going to s*** when you hear the price!!!!"

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I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job. One day he was at the register and a older

man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."

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A cowboy and his wife had just been married and

went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion -- our

weddin' night and we need a very special room with

a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,

"No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she

gets used to it."

laughing.giflaughing.gifrollsmile.gifrollsmile.gifshock.gif

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