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Two Iraqis come to America, they get off the boat, shake hands,

and one guy says 'Ok listen, lets make a pact.'

'Lets meet one year from today to find out who becomes the most Americanized.'

So a year later they meet. And one guys says 'Hey Mohammed, how are things going?'

And Mohammed says 'Well I'm jumping in the ol'minivan, I'm taking the kids to

soccer practice, I'm the coach, on the way home I'm stopping at Starbucks for

a mocha, then I'm gonna get myself a 12-pack of Budweiser, then I'll go home

and watch some Football while knocking down some beers.

So how are things going for you?'

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The other guy pulls out a gun and says 'Screw you towel head!'

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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my basketball team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, Honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

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The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Now THAT was an understatement! laughing.gif

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The preacher's, Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies"

> >Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation,

> >"How many of you have forgiven their enemies?"

> >

> >About half held up their hands.

> >

> >He then repeated his question. As it was past

> >lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their

> hands.

> >

> >He then repeated his question again. All

> >responded, except one small elderly lady.

> >

> >"Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "Are you not

> >willing to forgive your enemies?"

> >

> >"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

> >

> >"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are

> >you?"

> >

> >"Ninety-three." She replied.

> >

> >Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us

> >all you are. Would you please come down in front of

> this

> >congregation and tell us all how a person can live

> ninety-three

> >years and not have an enemy in the world."

> >

> >The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the

> >aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

> >

> >"I outlived the bitches."

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One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

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What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common??

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They both come on little crackers...

user posted image

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Q: What do you have when... you have Kerry supporters buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of Hillary Clinton on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

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Q: You're trapped in a room with

a tiger,

a rattlesnake,

and an enviromentalist.

You have a gun with two bullets.

What should you do?

A: Shoot the enviromentalist.......Twice!

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Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at

work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend

when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the

driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the

window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she

replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least

of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his

clothes and jumps out the window!

marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about

300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to

blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of

runners who had been watching him with some curiosity,

jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully

free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying

your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do

you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining. 25sex.gif

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While suturing a laceration on the hand of an 80-year-old grizzled Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about John Kerry's possibility of being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Kerry's one of them 'post turtles'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, "Well, when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb idiot get down 'afore he hurts hisself."

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ok now read this out loud and say it about 3 or 4 times and then go down to the bottom if u still dont get it k

i we todd did

i we todd did

i so we todd did

i sofa king we todd did

I retarded

I retarded

I so retarded

I so eff*ing retarded

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There Was a little brother and a older brother

They shared a room to gether and the had a

bunk bed. The yunger brother slept on the bottom

and the older brother slep on the top and one

night the older brother's girl friend spent the

night and the little brother fell asleep and

the girl friend says im hungry and the older

brother says well lets make a sandwich.

so he tells her to say lettuce if he wants it soft,

and to say chesse if she wants it hard, and

to say tomatto if she wants it fast.

so she says ok: lettuce, lettuce, cheese, cheese, tomato

and the little brother wakes up and says would u guys

please stop making sandwiches ur getting maonase

all over my face.

Edited by S@nd-Fre@k

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This guy went in to this bar and there was a jar of money and the guy said what’s that jar of money for and the man said it is for who ever can make my horse laugh so the guy went up to the horse and said my dick is bigger then yours so the horse laughed so the next day he goes in there again and there was a jar of money on the table and he asked what’s that for and the man said it is for who ever can make my horse cry so he poled his pants down by the horse and the horse started to cry. laughing.gif

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An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue

eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the

sweetest little lisp: Excuthe me, mithter do you

keep widdle wabbiths?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets

down on his knees, So that he's on her level,

and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabbith

or a thoft and fwuffy bwack wabbith or maybe

one like that cute widdle bwown wabbithover

there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says

in a quiet voice: "I don't think my python weally

givth a *****."

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I little girl walks into the pharmacy, walks up the the counter, and asks the Pharmacist,

Do you sell I.U.D.s?

The Pharmacist answers, (pause) Wellllll, uh, yes, I guess I do.

The little girl asks, "Do you "FIT" I.U.D.s?

After a longer pause, the the Pharmacist answers, Welllllllll, uh, I uh, guess yes, I do...

The little girl says, "Fine. Wash your effing hands and get me .25 cents worth of jellybeans".

25cheers.gif

Edited by JDMeister

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A girl came skipping home from school one

day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were

counting today and all the other kids could

only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See?

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Very good, said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde?

"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the

Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home

from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she

yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today,

all the other kids could only say it to D, but I

said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!

"Very Good," said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?

"Yes it's because your blond!

The following day the girl came skipping

home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were in Gym class today,

and when we showered all the other girls

had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted

her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

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An eleven year old boy has a black mother and a jewish father. One day he aske his mother if he is more black or more jewish.

She is not quite sure how to answer the question so she sends him off to ask his dad.

Dad tells him that he is half black and half jewish, simple as that.

The dad can see that his son was looking for a different answer, and quizzes him on why he needs to know.

The boy replies, 'Dad, Johnny down the street is selling his bike, and I need to know if I should talk him down on the price, or just take it from him'

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John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

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Making your dog dance with you on its hind legs is a lot like sex with a prostitute. You know it's wrong, but you keep trying to convince yourself that she's enjoying it, too. laughing.gif

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur

Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.

Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed

the world, your reward is: you can hang out with anyone

you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute

and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced

him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented,

"Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing

something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,

and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,

"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have

some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God,

"it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to my

calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as

chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in

Marquette. They would get together two or three times a

week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to

people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to

preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided

to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the

woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,

and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, in a fine

Irish brogue, 'Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond

when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre

Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with' me and

begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy water and,

THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion

und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an

arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory

he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...

WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began

to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with

me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.

We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we

come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul.

An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of

the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed.

He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running

in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy,

but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

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