Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.
 
Is it possible that the only people that
refuse to run with scissors is lesbians?
 
My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while I was on the scale. She laughed at me and said, "That's not going to help."
I replied, "Actually, it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers."
 
I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds
 
I'm not saying the meal was bad, but,
the steak still had marks where the jockey whipped it.
 
If someone tries to tell you biscuits and gravy isn't a meal, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
 
Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner…
 
The rumor is,
It's hard to find a "cherry tart" in London.
 
Gotta love when you hit a pothole and the check engine light goes away and the radio starts working again
 
My buddy decided to make sure his wife woke up with a Big Smile on her face this morning. Now he can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
 
I'm not a magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.
 
(Public Service Announcement)
How do you get rid of extra pubic hair?
.
.
.
Wait for it.
.
.
.
You spit it out.
 
TEACHER: Use all these words in a single sentence — deduct, detail, defense, defeat.
STUDENT: De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.
 
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
 
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
 
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