Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
 
What do you call one hundred baby sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide.
 
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If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, Technically speaking, it would be on the right foot.​
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In 3,024 more years life will be really great or really terrible. It's 5050.
 
Me: I just found out I'm going to be a father.
Him: Is that a problem?
Me: My wife don't know yet.
 
A lion would never drive under the influence...
But a Tiger Wood.
 
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?
Because they have just finished a 31 day March.
 
I found out that I'm a woman after hearing last night that you are what you eat!
 
My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.
I told him I Excel at it.
 
I was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
Then I was born.
 
I bought a "smart" light switch, but I couldn't figure out how to use it. I had to exchange it for a dimmer one
 
At the county courthouse in Rawlins, WY
 

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Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
 
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
I should have put it on aloha setting.
 
I had a call from a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
 
People be like "bear with me" and they don't even have a bear with them.
 
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