Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Only in Klantee, CA. I stopped at the gas station to get a bottle of water and as I was pulling up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there! But anyway, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink. As I was paying for my water, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talkin' violent death screams! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the squad car.. I was thinking, arrested? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a squad car?? And being nosey as I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for...He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!
 
I hate it when my wife isn't with me. Without her, I don't know when to merge, when to brake, or where to park!
 
What's Great About the Hooker Dying on You?
.
.
.
The second hour is free.
 
Whenever I see beer, I hear 2 voices inside my head. One of them says, "Drink the beer" and the other one says, "You fckn heard me… drink the beer"
 
I'd get more sleep if I wasn't trying to figure out where hamsters live other than the pet store because I have never seen one out in the wild
 
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on
 
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Then there are times when I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt on.
 

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
 
All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
Eating vegetables,Staying home, Going to bed early
 
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