Joke of the day! (No Memes)

my wife walked into the kitchen seeing me stalking around with a fly swatter, she asks whats up, I reply hunting flys, she asks how its going?

I reply I killed 3 males and 2 females so far, she asks how can you tell them apart?

I reply yet again the males were on a beer can the females were on the phone
 
What is 6.9?
Uh, what?
A good time spoiled by a period.
 
The wife and I were standing in line at the bank today when the guy at the front of the line robbed the bank.
As he turned to leave, he ask the first guy in line if he saw him rob the bank. He said yes, so the robber shot him in the head and killed him
He walked to the second guy and asked him, did you see me rob the bank, same response, Yes, I did again the robber shoots and kills the man.
He then walks up to me and asks. Did you see me rob the bank? I say no, but my wife did!
 
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


 
Most watched the disaster called Super Bowl.
Did you know the "Puppy Bowl" was On TV, Same Time?
All true. Streamed Live In Korea on The Food Channel.
 
'The night before the championship fight, I bought my wife Phyllis a powder-blue negligee. I was confident.
I was on a nine-bout winning streak and I bought the negligee and I gave it to her in Cleveland the night before the fight. I said, 'Tomorrow night I want you to wear this in bed because tomorrow night you're going to be sleeping with the heavyweight champion of the world.' She said, 'OK, no problem.' After the fight I came back to the hotel - I lost the fight - and walked into the hotel room.
And there she is sitting on the end of the bed with the powder-blue negligee, and she says to me, 'Am I going to Ali's room or is he coming to mine?'
She had real good sense of humor.'
🗣
- Chuck Wepner
 
What do you say if you lose 25% of your roof????

OOF!
 
roses are red violets are blue dont confuse the KY for gorilla glue
 
Monday...I go into work and they are talking about the game. I listened to the game but, I was teaching a Hunter Ed class upti 4p, then I had to run to church where I run a kids program...then, when I got home, for the last, best 5 minutes, it wasn't on (I only have antenna, about 20 channels).

I listened in, intently. Then, I had a Q about Philly blitzing (which they didn't do, therefore M couldn't throw to the uncovered receiver).....
Didnt you watch the game
No, I was busy
Wait, you didn't watch the game
No
Why not?
I was busy

I am now circumspect
 
you cant give away a used mattress but you will pay $200 a night to sleep on one at a hotel
 
You probably shouldn't say "there's a cold one calling my name" when you work in a morgue, I know this now.
 
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym...I got blown into the liquor store.
 
My wife took off her top during an argument where I was winning.
It was a booby trap.
 
I have the funniest joke...
I'll tell you tomorrow though
 
Okay, if the Number 2 pencil is the most
popular, why the eff is it number 2?
 
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note: "Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time".
 
I NEVER CALLED YOU UGLY! All I said was: “I bet you could Trick Or Treat over the telephone".
 
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