Joke of the day! (No Memes)

My wife accidentally locked herself out of the house and I didn’t hear her knocking until I finished eating the rest of her cheesecake.
So weird.
 
Little known fact, Cows kill more people than Sharks.
It's never been seen, a cow killing a shark.
 
When I clean stubborn stains, I try
to use alcohol.
Normally an Imported single malt.
 
Just finished cleaning out my junk drawer.
If anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95 let me know
 
The fact that somebody looked at a purple onion and decided it was a good idea to name it a red onion seriously bothers me
 
The man who invented the wind chill factor has sadly passed away
He was 98 but felt like 85
 
I just want to say, you folks who cheat on your taxes make me sick. This is NOT the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.
Do better.
 
A homeless man just asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He asked for one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.
 
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
👹

"I don't know what to do here,"says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over.he dived in and surfacedwith nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
😈

(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
A British man was killed by a shark off Australia while on his honeymoon.
He didn't suffer long as he was only married 5 days.
 
I was going to make a carpentry joke
but I wasn’t sure it woodwork.
 
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
 
Scientists have invented a camera shutter so fast,
it can catch a woman not talking.
 
Instead of calling in sick, we should be able to call in healthy.
"I'm not coming in today. I feel really good and I don't want to waste it at work.
 
Do you have a date for Valentines day?
No?
Well then, let me help you out.
It's February 14th, 2026.
 
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